Thursday, March 29, 2007

Infertility and the Christian

I am a Christian and I do believe that I’ll be a mother one day. Years back I used to do those “imagine yourself in five, ten, twenty years visualisation exercises” and I ALWAYS saw two kids in my future. So that settles that. LOL

I was listening to a teaching tape the other day by Paul Scanlan on dreams and he said something to the effect that God doesn’t give you a dream just to take it away. He gives us those dreams and He wants you to have it. But with dreams, you have to have a plan.

So I know that the children will happen. It’s the HOW that I’m not so sure about.

The way I see it, it’s either biological children or adopted children. However, biological children can come “naturally” and who knows what that is anymore, or through ART (assisted reproductive techniques – see? I’ve been brushing up on my lingo).

Does it mean that if you do IVF, that you’re not believing God for a child? I mean it’s all biological so what’s the difference. Is there a difference?

I get the feeling that it’s almost like it’s biological children or you’re not in faith and you settled for second best. That’s not how I think – a child is a child. But I also don’t want to miss God. For all I know, we could be perched on the edge of being pregnant.

So while we’re confused we do nothing. And time continues to move on.

How do you know when the plan is to wait and how do you know when the plan means you take action? I’ve never been very patient and yet this is forcing me to be a lot more patient than what I usually am.

(I really don’t expect any of this to make any sense but I needed to get it out of my head and onto paper/ screen)

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Well, it happened

Today the pregnant one announced that she has 3 weeks and a couple of days before she goes off on maternity leave. So my one colleague whispers to me, “we need to do something for her” meaning a baby shower.

Well, I was caught off guard but I said, “yes, I’ve got to talk to you about that sometime”.

So I was making coffee in the kitchen thinking about what and how I’m going to talk to her when she came up from the other side, also to get some tea.

So I said, “I was just thinking about you. I actually don’t even know what to say or how to explain” and then it happened… I started crying. Right there. In the kitchen.

At least I eventually stopped and explained that since I’m infertile and have been trying for over two years, it is really hard to be around happy fertile people. And as a result, I will not be helping out as I have to do whatever it takes to protect me. And I won’t be coming to the baby shower.

To her credit, she was great. She apologized for being insensitive (which she wasn’t, as I’ve never mentioned any of this to her).

At least that’s over for now.

Do you think I’m weird? Should I have just plastered a smile on my face and “got on with it”?

Friday, March 23, 2007

Friday's feast #3 - 23 March 2007

Who is your favorite news anchor/reporter? Why?
I don’t have one. I actually don’t watch the news at all. Too depressing. I do keep abreast by listening to the 5-minute updates on the radio.

Name 3 foods that are currently in your freezer.
pasta (we cooked some for supper last night and I always make extra to freeze), pumpkin (I buy fresh every week but if it starts going soft, then I chop it all up to freeze) and bread

If you were to have the opportunity to name a new town or city, what would you call it?
Hmm – something Irish. I love Irish names. Just busy with a Cathy Kelly now and the town is called Kinvarra – verrry nice!

Main Course
What will most likely be the next book you read?
Well, I have to finish the Cathy Kelly (Just Between Us) and then finish 1000 quick and easy organizing secrets. I like reading lots of books at once.

What's the first thing you notice about the opposite gender?
Well, I look at their hands to see if they’re married or not! I like a man to have nice hands with clean nails. Then eyes after that – I can spot a shyster a mile off LOL

BTW, it has happened sooner than I thought. Today our colleague said to me, “we need to organize something for her soon”. So I have to deal with that on Monday. Something to look forward to.

In other baby news, my one friend emailed me today to say she's been told she has premature ovarian failure. Whatever that means - I know it's bad - I still have to google it.

Go here for more Friday's feasts

Thursday, March 22, 2007


Now this is the thing that annoyed me so much last week.

First, some background…

My 30-year-old cousin died on 6 March because of a stomach ulcer gone wrong. While it was terrible, it did make me realize that I need to stop focusing so much on my weight, and just be grateful that I’m healthy and everything works perfectly. Except for the reproductive parts, that is.

A friend and I were emailing back and forth about her weight. She is convinced that she has a medical condition because she’s not losing weight. We’ve been over it all before and I don’t have patience anymore. I have told her that all those lattes and cappucinnos and milkshakes were adding the calories. It’s not just the food she eats. Anyway, I’m ranting…

I then told her that my cousin died last week. And exactly what I said above in the first paragraph – grateful….everything works….except for the infertility. So she goes YOU ARE NOT INFERTILE (like that, in caps). DON’T YOU BELIEVE IN GOD ANYMORE? YOU MUST BELIEVE THAT YOU WILL GET PREGNANT and so on, and so on.

So I said, please don’t shout…I can’t hear you when you scream. And I just said *sigh* this is why I can’t talk to Christians. You just don’t understand.

To which she took offence. But explained that caps lock was on, she was working in Excel, etc. Fine whatever, but it’s one key to press.

The thing is she doesn’t understand. She had her four kids at aged 20, 22, 24 and 26 – all of them were unplanned, pleasant surprises. They are super fertile.

After I explained that I do believe in God… blah blah blah… she asked for forgiveness because she didn’t want me to be cross. And up to this point, I really wasn’t angry. Sad, disappointed, but not angry. Yet.

Then she said, this is just who I am. I am straightforward and I thought you could take straight talk. Then I got angry.

Because in my opinion, that is just an excuse to be rude. I am also straightforward but the last time I looked in my Bible it does say to speak the truth in love. And I feel that as a friend she should be able at least empathise with where I’m at, and not try to be right. Even if I’ve never been through something, I always try to put myself in the other person’s shoes.

So that’s why I got angry.

Seeing as I'm on a blogging roll, I'll have to blog my take on the Christian thing too!

Monday, March 19, 2007

I'm cold and heartless

Then as I’m catching up with my blog reading, I found out that Tertia’s pregnant. Tertia is the one who had twins after 9 IVFs. Now here is the part that is still confusing to me. Intellectually I was happy for her because all baby news is good news, right? And yet. A big part of me felt nothing – or maybe a tiny bit of jealousy. I honestly can’t explain it.

I copied the link (she didn’t give away anything in the subject line) and sent it to my other trying-to-get-pregnant friend and all I said was “read this”. Then later, I tried to explain how I felt about it – huge shock, slight happiness for her, mainly disbelief. I think my heart is hardening and I’m becoming a cold, cynical person. And this is not me. So it scares me.

I think it was because if this woman, having been through 9 IVFs with all her medical history, could fall pregnant just by having sex, then I must be doing something wrong. I don’t have half the problems and we can’t even get that right.

I am also becoming judgmental which is also not me. I find myself thinking that others don’t deserve babies, or why do other people feel like they have the right to complain about not getting pregnant after just a month or two?! I used to regularly read a blog and this lady announced that they were going to start trying. After two months, she said that she had no more patience so they bought the ovulation kits to time things better. And the next month she was pregnant. So I stopped reading her blog. Silly? Yes, of course it is.

Today I learnt that Tertia went for a scan today and there was no heartbeat - the baby’s dead. It’s so terrible but at the time, again nothing. Absolutely nothing but a tiny bit of sadness. She just blogged one line. And I saw the 100 comments and thought, “at least there are other normal people to support her”. It’s only now that I’m typing this that I’m crying a little. This is why I blog – to get the stuff swirling around in my head out somewhere so I don’t go crazy. I also can’t explain things very well when I try to talk about very emotional things. But I find I can make sense of my feelings better when I write/ type them.

I used to be known for being a thoughtful, caring type of person. So this weekend in church I prayed to God that He softens my heart again.

I want to be me again.

Baby boys and baby showers

baby boys
Let me tell you about A. I work with her and when I first found out she was pregnant, I was all happiness and sunshine and we got talking. She then told me that even though she’s only 25, they’ve been battling to fall pregnant for 3 years. They went to the same infertility doctor I / we saw in November. And like us, they also told them that anything other than IVF was useless to try. Nevertheless, they decided to do AI and they were pregnant, first time around. Happiness!

Her pregnancy progressed beautifully and except for the fact that she continued smoking, she was looking after herself very nicely.

Well, she was due in June sometime, after the Ungrateful Pregnant One (early May) and my sister (late May). So imagine my shock/ horror when I heard from UPO that A had the baby. This is at something like 26/ 28 weeks. Nobody knows why her waters suddenly broke.

A and her baby boy are both fine, despite the fact that he only weighed 800g! I was so scared for her, imagining all the worst things, but he was moved out of NICU after a day or two.

baby showers
Speaking about UPO…

She'll be going off on maternity leave during the last week of April – that’s about 5 weeks left. Now as you all know, it is customary to throw a baby shower for one’s colleagues.

I’ve mentioned before that if there’s anything vaguely non work-related that has to be organised at work, like someone leaving, getting married, having a birthday, etc, I’m usually the one organising a card, present, party. But I can’t do it this time. Not only that – I don’t think I will be up to even going. Sitting in a room with 30 women all cooing over a baby is going to be torture! Even now, I’m fine talking with her one-on-one but not in a group - I then have to leave. And I have seen recently that she’s become more tactful about baby things. Prayer does work!

And strangely enough, I know she’ll understand. I have to protect myself so up the boundaries come. It’s the rest of them that won’t understand. People think you’re just being weird when you don’t want to participate in the “rites of passage”. What rubbish!

The other day another team member suggested that the three of us go to a maternity shop to help UPO buy some maternity clothes. Before I knew it, out of my mouth popped, “I can’t think of anything I’d rather not do!” I tried to cover up with a joke but it didn’t quite work. Oh well. They pay me to work, not for all this other rubbish…

Anyway! Any suggestions for dealing with this baby shower thing?

Friday, March 16, 2007

Friday's feast #2 - 16 March 2007

(sorry about all the memes - I'm working on an infertility post because someone really upset me this week but I have to calm down before I post LOL)

Name two things that made you smile this week.
This post and this one made me laugh out loud. And so did this one.

Fill in the blank: Don't you hate it when ________?
you see the perfect shoe and it’s not in your size

When you can't go to sleep, what is your personal remedy to help yourself drift into Lullabyland?
I don’t have any remedy. I sleep like a baby. In fact, a bomb could go off at my house and I’d probably sleep through it. Honestly.

Main Course
What is something about which you've always wondered but have not yet found a good answer?
Can’t think of anything. I’m not the wondering type. I’m very practical ESTJ. Or if I wonder, I get straight onto the internet and find an answer.

Oh wait, there is something. I wonder often if we would have had all these problems trying to have a baby if we’d started trying earlier (before I turned 30, that is).

What is your favorite pasta dish?
Fettucine Alfredo. Without a doubt.

Go here for more feasts

Fashion Meme From A to Z

I found this over at Fashion Meme From A to Z

A: What accessories do you wear everyday?
One of my many watches, my wedding ring on my left hand, a silver ring on my right hand, pearl earrings and my handbag.

B: What is your beauty routine?
In the morning, wash face, moisturise, and then the amount of make0-up depends on how late I am. Usually, eye-liner and lipstick and some face powder. Sometimes I bother with eye shadow.

C: What was the last item of clothing (for yourself) that you purchased?
Two weeks ago I bought a white T-shirt which I still haven’t worn. This was to replace my old one. I sprayed the underarms with stain remover as I do for all my clothes, especially when it’s as hot here as it has been this summer. Well, something reacted because the deodorant stain turned purple. That’s right, purple on a white T-shirt. Anyway, moving along…

D: Do you use a dresser, closet, or both?

E: What type of earrings are in your ears right now?
Pearl studs. I’m really boring with earrings. My husband bought me my first pair about 5 years ago together with a pearl ring (very dainty and feminine – suited my small, thin hands beautifully) and I loved them.

Then one day I decided to change jewellery and that was the day we were burgled! I was devastated. Honestly. You don’t know how I loved those pearls. So we replaced the earrings because they’re quite easy to find. They’re studs after all. But the ring? I haven’t seen anything like it since, at the same store or at any other jewellery store since. Now you know why these ones NEVER leave my ears.

F: What type of figure do you have?
Well... I am within my normal body weight although I would prefer to lose another 3kg. MissusSmartyPants says I’ve Cute Curves (hip measurement bigger than shoulders). I bought this profile thing a few weeks ago and it is excellent. Because I’m chicken, I only bought one season for now. Go have a look – it’s a nice site.

G: Do you wear glasses?
Yes. Used to wear contacts for about 2 years and then I’d had enough. I have very sensitive eyes and had to get up 30 mins early just to put those things in. So that was that. Sleep is far more important.

H: What type of handbag do you carry?
Big ones. No, just joking. I like nice handbags that are functional (lots of pockets to organise your stuff). I change them out to go with my outfit. The red one in this post is my current favourite.

I: What is your ideal style?
Casual – jeans and slops kinda gal.
Although for work I like suits – it makes me feel more like working and being productive. And some days, I need all the help I can get.

J: What jewelry are you wearing right now?
Same as in A above

K: Do you wear knee-hi stockings?
Yes, I do. With pants.

L: Do you *have* to wear matching lingerie?
Um. No.

M: Do you wear makeup, and if so, what products do you use?
Not really. Usually Olay. Anything with anti-shine!!!

N: Do you wear nightgowns?
Nope. I'm a pyjama girl.

O: What outerwear do you put on when going out on a typical winter day?
A coat, boots and gloves. Sometimes a cap.

P: What is your favorite perfume?
I don’t wear any. I have allergic rhinitis which means I sneeze at any weird smells.

Q: Is your motto "quality over quantity" when it comes to clothing and accessories?
That certainly is the aim with most of my clothes, just not with my obsessions.

R: Do you wear rain boots?

S: Do you wear socks or slippers when your feet get cold?
Yes, yes, yes. I usually do have cold feet so I live in socks when it’s winter.

T: Do you have a set of travel luggage?
Yes. And I can’t wait to use it again. We’re now planning a short 5-day trip to Cape Town for our anniversary next month.

U: What is your daily uniform?
Smart work clothes during the week.
On weekends, jeans and T-shirt. Always nice T-shirts. I declutter anything old and ugly with vigour and enthusiasm.
In winter, long-sleeved T-shirts, jerseys, jeans, cords, etc.

V: If you are married, did you wear a veil with your wedding dress? If not, how did you do your hair?
Yes I wore a veil.

W: Do you wear a watch?
Always. I’m sure I was born with it. LOL

X: What item of clothing always makes you feel eXtremely beautiful?
A knee-length skirt or dress. I have good legs from all those years of ballet. In fact, when I’m having my period and generally feeling fat and ugly, I make a point of wearing a skirt so that I know something looks good!

Y: What is your favorite type of yarn?

Z: Do you prefer zippers or buttons?

Now I'm tagging Becky and whoever else wants to play along. Let me know in the comments if you do this.


Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Friday, March 09, 2007

Friday's feast #1 - 9 March 2007

Hi all

This is my first Friday's feast! For more feasters, go here.

What is your usual bedtime? Do you like that, or would you rather it be different?
My usual bedtime is around 12! I would like it to be earlier but I am realizing that I am a night owl no matter what time I have to get up in the morning.

When it comes to advice, do you give more or receive more?
I give more. Definitely. That’s why I coach LOL although coaching isn’t advice, I obviously do guide and direct people.

Describe a memorable meal you've had.
Hmmm – Thailand… Almost all of the meals there were memorable. Delicious memorable – fresh ingredients, healthy food not cooked by me and utterly tasty with new ingredients.

Main Course
Name a work of fiction that affected the way you think about something.
A painted house – John Grisham.
I loved this book because it was from the viewpoint of a child. It totally transported me back in time and got me thinking from other perspectives. (I usually read chick lit and other stuff from an adult’s point of view)

What is your favorite type of fruit juice?
Guava! Shortly after we started trying to have a baby, I suddenly had a craving for guava juice (I was never much of a fan before so thought I’m definitely pregnant). And I wasn’t. But ever since then, I have been hooked on guava juice.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

in the wars

Gee whiz. I haven't been feeling very well lately. And this is very weird for me - to be unwell for 3 weekends in a row.

Friday 16th Feb
Woke up with severe stomach cramps. I thought it was because I was hungry so had breakfast as normal and waited for the cramping to stop.

It didn't. So I phoned the onsite nurse and she said to come straight away. I said I would the minute I could walk because at this point I was hunched over my desk - I couldn't even straighten up. Well, I got the security guys to drive me to the other building in the little golf carts they use (that part was cool).

She did a urine test and prodded me quite a bit (very sore) before pronouncing me well. She said there was nothing wrong but wind. Wind! And I was sent off with some antacid stuff which I started taking immediately.

By the next morning around 11am I was all better. (No sign of this since - thank God)

Friday 23rd
Periods. Lots of Nurofen. Need I say more?

I have been having 8-day periods the last 3 - 4 cycles. Before that they were about 6 days long. Ridiculous! For the first 2 - 3 days, there's virtually nothing, and then the cramps and bleeding start in ernest. That carries on for about 3 days and then the last couple of days are very similiar to the first ones - not much pain, bleeding, etc.

During the middle days, I bleed copiously. And I have to have 2 Nurofen strictly every 4 - 6 hours. Sometimes I take more than is allowed because I just can't cope. At this point I don't care if I have other side effects - I just want the pain to stop. The pain is worse on my left side and is so bad that my left leg goes numb right down to mid-thigh. Isn't it fun being a girl!

So last Friday, I sat there at work, leg going more and more numb until I couldn't take it any more. And went home to veg in front of the TV/ in bed with my hotwater bottle and Nurofen as my cherished companions.

That was weekend 2.

Thursday 1 March
Our office is ice-cold inside and since I'm in the southern hemisphere, it is summer and blazing hot outside. These inconsistent temperatures are not good and as a result, I started having the sniffles on Wed. Thursday it was really bad - red nose and tearing eyes having joined the party.

A couple of Degoran and I was right as rain on Friday as far as that was concerned BUT guess what took the place?

Sharp, stabbing pains on my left woke me on Friday morning. Like period pains. Except my periods have been over for about 4 days. So I waited it out as long as I could (at this point on the endometriosis journey, my pain threshold is quite high) and at 6pm I took a Nurofen. Worked like a dream after the inevitable 90-minute delay.

Did the same on Saturday and again today...

Anybody have any idea what it could be? If this continues, I'll have to go to the gynae.


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