Tuesday, December 02, 2008

NY times article on infertility and surrogacy

I just read this NY times article on infertility because several IF blogs linked to it.

First let me start off by saying that the author had some opinions that I raised my eyebrow at, but hey, it's her baby - she can pick whoever she wants and if she wants someone with a computer, fine with me.

Also, it's her right to pursue motherhood at all costs - nobody knows a particular couple's circumstances and why they make particular choices. I don't think I would spend $100 000 but then again, I don't know. We're not in their position, we don't have their money and if we did, who knows?

One of the IVF blogs wrote that they don't know if they could do 11 IVFs as this lady did. I'll paste my comment that I wrote on her blog.

"I also don't know that I could do that...but then again, I also said I'd never do IVF and here I am on my 2nd cycle. I guess the lines in the sand keep shifting according to our circumstances.

But I'll tell you something else - I am shocked at the judgement and intolerance of people. I really don't care whether the author is out and out evil (she's not) - nobody has the right to judge their choices and post all kinds of horrible comments.

This is exactly why we often keep our infertility a secret. It's because we're assaulted by this kind of ignorance that we feel shame. And we shouldn't.

I honestly didn't even consider the views of so many of the commenters.

I have very strong opinions on most things (!) but if I don't agree with people, I do respect their rights to their own opinions and I certainly do respect their choices.

I can't believe the comments, that say, amongst others...

Why would infertile people want to have biological children? What if they pass some disease along to their offspring? (I guess fertile people don't pass those same diseases along?)

Why don't infertile people save the world and adopt? (I don't speak for others but each couple's decisions are different. For us, it's not about just being parents. We want a biological child and until they tell us it's impossible, we'll keep trying.)

Why is it selfish for infertile people to pursue treatment? Is it because the money's being spent on children?

Why is it wrong for infertile people to use THEIR money as they want?

Coming back to the adoption...yes, there are lots of kids in the world, many of them available for adoption. But that doesn't take away the desire in a woman (and man) to have a child.

Please weigh in with your opinions. Tell me if I'm going crazy or what you feel


  1. Anonymous4:45 pm

    AS you stated here, there is clearly a personal line that should be drawn, but it is almost "dangerous" to let people know what that line is.

    We had both scenarios... Once we were finished with the medical field, people started asking, "Why on earth would you want to adopt someone else's problems?" to "Oh, I feel so sorry for you because you can't have one of your OWN. It's just not the SAME." (as she held my newborn adopted baby in her arms!)

    My brother used to tell people I was just "sitting at home waiting to get pregnant".
    My mother would shove a plastic doll in my arms and tell me if I just held it long enough "something would kick-in". She also, at one point, told me to just go get a puppy.
    My family doctor told me to go build a house, because "all my patients who were building a house got pregnant."

    I could go on and on at the profoundly stupid things people say when they know you are trying to get pregnant or adopt. We don't feel shame because it is "wrong"... we feel a sense of shame/embarrassment because stupid people make us feel that way.

    Hugs to you as you walk your path!

  2. no i think you are totally right in being appalled to that. OBVIOUSLY those comments were made by people who haven't struggled to get pregnant. some people just don't get the DESIRE...the LONGING the NEED to have babies.


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