Monday, April 13, 2009

pregnancy guilt

A friend from my infertility group messaged me on Facebook to see how I was doing so I told her, "I feel guilty for being pregnant. Am I crazy?"

She said that I'm not crazy because she also felt guilty when she fell pregnant and everyone else wasn't.

But this whole thing got me thinking because I don't want to be insensitive to others who are still fighting the infertility fight.
  • I don't send any of my non-pregnant friends updates after my doctors appointments
  • I definitely don't send pregnant pics
  • I don't talk baby "oh, I felt the babies kick"
  • I don't complain about the pregnancy (okay, there's nothing to complain about, but still!)
I can still remember how the ungrateful pregnant person who works with me complained, whined and moaned when she was pregnant...and how I wanted to SLAP her. Seriously.

I used to just walk away or pretend that I had to do something urgent, like make a phone call.

I've also been really sad and teary (is this just pregnancy hormones?) lately, hearing about all the negative results from IVFs.

We know two of the ladies from the blogs - Faith and Mo. A friend of mine (my room-mate from my last surgery) had the exact same cycle as Mo and hers was also negative. When she told me, I sat here at my computer crying. Literally. Another friend from the infertility group had a chemical pregnancy recently and when I heard that, I got all teary (helped that I was at work).

The thing is I feel incredibly blessed.

Yes, I know I didn't have an easy time either but when I compare myself to others, I think, "I only had 2 IVFs"

Sometimes people are judgemental about others trying again and again and again...I can totally understand it - that would have definitely been me had this one not worked out.

Anyway, this post is going nowhere but I do want to ask this: if you're pregnant, do you ever feel pregnancy guilt?


  1. I think I'm still too terrified to feel guilty. But I must say, there is no reason to feel guilty, ever. Yes, your fellow infertiles who are not pregnant may feel the sting of your pregnancy. But they are trying for the same thing. There is no reason to feel bad for finally having success! All we can do is pray that they have success as well!!
    P.S. I am ready to feel this little girl kick. I've only felt her a couple of time in the past week. I hope to feel more soon! Thanks God for the doppler!

  2. I don't ever feel guilty for being pregnant now because I know that I got pregnant in God's timing and that it was ONLY because of Him. However, I have EXTREME sympathy for those who are still going through infertility. And I have tried really hard to be sensitive to their needs while celebrating my pregnancy. It's the whole reason I created a new separate blog for my pregnancy. I still read ALL of their blogs and comment as often as possible without mentioning my own pregnancy, but have noticed that my following of 30 or so from infertility has dropped dramatically to 2 after pregnancy. It hurts a little bit. While I can understand where they are coming from, I also know that even in my darkest days, I offered up my prayers and thanks for those who experienced pregnancy after infertility. It didn't matter that I was still going through it. I was happy for them. I wish others could feel the same for me, but I still understand why they may not be able to. So, I wrestle with my emotions and then choose to keep praying for them in their struggles. I just allow them to be where they are and hope that God brings them out of it soon.

    That's my biggest struggle with pregnancy after infertility.

  3. You ARE blessed, my friend. Enjoy it (and try not to feel guilty, okay?).

  4. I felt guilty in the begining. And, I still am careful what I say around friends that are trying for a baby (unless they ask). But, if I am honest it is hard to not get caught up in being a selfish pregnant woman as your pregnancy progresses! I am so 'all about me' at the moment and my husband reminds me 'this is your time!'

    This is your time. please enjoy it!

  5. I totally feel guilty all the time. I try not to, but it's hard not to think about all those folks who are desperately waiting for their chances too.

  6. Anonymous2:33 am

    It IS a touchy thing! I never got pregnant, but I was okay with my close friends talking about their pregnancies. However, acquaintances that went on and on were tough. People are so different you never know how they are going to react. My friend got pregnant and she asked very candidly if her talking about it bothered me and to what extent. Thankfully for our friendship, I was able to tell her exactly what made me feel badly and what was fine. She was sensitive enough to be okay with the few things that crushed my hopes.

    ugh ! I hope it all works out with your non-preg, infertile friends. Such a difficult situation ~ and it shouldn't be. Keep rejoicing! It's more important for you to enjoy every moment and build wonderful memories of your babies than it is to tiptoe around friends who, frankly, come and go.

  7. Dont be silly, you are a wonderful, special friend and I was/still am very, very happy for you. I still read your blog and love finding out what else is new. It used to bother me alot and if I dont really know the person or the blog then I tend to shut it down or not return but since we have met and I know how special you are, I always love to find out what is happening with you.

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