Monday, September 07, 2009

Infertility support - what would you do?

A friend from the group, R, feeding Connor

I've said many times on this blog and to people in real life that my infertility support group has absolutely been a life saver.


Those girls have encouraged me, cheered me up, cried with me, challenged me to stretch myself and inspired me to keep going.

And through the group I've made some really good friends.

Which brings me to a dilemma.

I've been going to the group since it started over two years ago. I think I only missed three times - C and I only discovered it after the first meeting, and then twice when I was travelling. So I've been going before and during the IVFs, during my pregnancy and amazingly, even since the twins were born.

We met last week again and this is the first time I felt weird.

I think it's because I've now had the babies and they were actually at home as opposed to them being in NICU.

Also all the pregnant people were there last time and this time there was only one pregnant person.

I think the dynamic is changing. When we started hardly anyone was pregnant and through the months and years there have been just a couple of girls pregnant at any one time. This year there were more pregnant people than not! Until this last group meeting.

It's right that the dynamic change and that we get new girls in all the time so that we can help more people in those early stages, who have maybe just been diagnosed with infertility, are not sure what to do, and are just figuring all of this craziness out.

A friend said to me she’s not sure about going back because she's not sure what her purpose there would be; I’m getting to that stage.

And yet I love being with all the people there and I love seeing all my friends, so what to do?

Maybe we should have a pregnant after infertility group?

I just want to be sensitive to all the new girls because I know when I was at that stage it was SO HARD to even look at a pregnant person let alone sit with them and talk, even if I knew they'd had problems conceiving. I'd think things like "why you and not me?" and "will I ever have a happily ever after?" and so on.

So what do you think?

Is it time for me to move on and just meet separately with those friends?


  1. Hi Leigh,
    Gosh that's a tricky one. However.... if it was me (and I'm just basing this on my grief experience) I'd probably meet separately with the friends you made thru the group AND be available as a phone/individual support person for women/couples who are at an earlier stage of the journey than you?

    That way, you still get to connect with a subject that you are so much a part of (even though you now have K&C you'll never forget the journey you had to get to where you are), while respecting the women who'd find it too hard to see your success in front of them.

    A hard one though. Will be interested in how you end up tackling it. I'm sure whatever you do will be appropriate and sincere :)

  2. Anonymous3:32 pm

    Hey M,

    Like i said as well in a mail i feel out, meaning exactly what you said you still have to be sensitive to the others but yet we have made the most amazing friendships which i personally believe will prob last longer and a life time then just your day to day friend. I don't know its a tough decision.

    I agree maybe an after infertile group is a good idea, not sure how K, R and C will feel but sure they understand hey.

    Pic is not nice M!!!!!!!!!!!


  3. I think it's time to start a Mommy group-like graduating to the next grade! I've been looking at becoming a parent as the levels of schooling and now that I finally have a baby it's like working on my doctorate!

    I'm of the opinion that friends are friends and if they still "fit" your life then they are worth keeping around even if you don't currently share the same issues and lifestyles. My two best friends are loathe the idea of marriage and babies for themselves but love to come and fuss over the girls. It's all about balance.

  4. Hey my friend
    Well, been thinking about this some more and I tend to think that we should perhaps form a different group for the mommies but still be available as a phone/individual support for those ladies still on their infertility part of this journey (as Saffy suggests). I will miss the group sessions but I just can't help but feel that even though we are an example that one can make it through this difficult journey of infertility, our success and where we are now may be more difficult for others to deal with. Make any sense?

  5. No reason you can't hang out with your friends, away from a support group, right? If you love spending time with these women, just have a a girls night every now and again!

    Oh, and a boppy? It's a crescent shaped pillow and can be used for nursing, feeding, propping baby. They are awesome! If you can't get one to you I can send you one. Here's the website!

  6. Remember that Psalm - there is a time for everything under the sun. Maybe it is time for a new group... situations change and constant adjustments need to be made to steer us into the next direction

  7. How do I check my email address is my profile? I have no idea what you are talking about!


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