Sunday, September 13, 2009

Two steps forward, one step back

I've only been all alone with the babies for hours at a time twice:

Mon 31 Aug - normal working day and the day before my nanny started work
Sat 5 Sept - D had to work and left me alone for 8 whole hours

Don't let these faces fool you... they are not that sweet all the time.

I was seriously worried about how I'd cope but it was actually much better than I expected.

Yes, the babies sometimes both cried at the same time and then I simply went into survival mode. I only have two hands and one of you has to wait your turn.

I had to leave Kendra screaming for about 5 minutes once on the Monday but other than that, not too bad.

Does this mean I'm actually capable?
I don't really feel capable because as soon as I think I've got something under control, it seems to go worse the next time. It's the whole two steps forward, one back thing.
I just started thinking I had this night thing under control - change nappy, feed baby, burp, rock to sleep/ drowsy, put down - and then they had a horrible night where they would not sleep. Imagine 6 hours straight of baby activity?! With both babies niggly and crying, one at a high-pitched shriek and the other a normal baby cry. I find myself saying "stop that crying like a baby" and then realise they ARE babies. LOL - let's blame it on Sleep Deprivation.
Or I become an expert at soothing Kendra and then for half a day none of my tricks work. Or I finally figure out how to burp Connor in less than 10 minutes and it works but is not enough, because there are still more winds (gas) in his little body. On the bright side, he STILL has not managed to pee on me. We came close the other day but I'm still too fast for him :)
As an ESTJ, apparently I highly value competence in myself and in others. True. So this motherhood thing is kicking my butt. No wonder I find all the work of the washing, sterilising and making bottles waaaayyyy easier than the "trying to get milk from my defective boobs" thing.
My one friend told me to look at children as an investment. You can't see the change daily but one day SUDDENLY there's a huge return.
I've found that it's best to think back a week. If I think about the last 24 hours, things can look really bleak. But to consider a week, you get a more balanced perspective. In the beginning, "oh, I've only cried twice this week" :)
And typing that, I realise I haven't cried for about 2 - 3 weeks. Yayyy!


  1. Before you know it they are little people. But i don't think the crying ever stops. You cry when they get their teeth ect. Ash keeps on asking where his house has gone, because it is filled with kids stuff. My answer is never, the stuff just changes.

    Ps I agree about nannies and night nurses, i would be in the loony bin without mine.

  2. My friend, those cheeks are just adorable! And they both are such a fantastic combination of you and D!!! Well are doing so well and I am proud of you!
    x x x

  3. It does get better! Eventually they sleep longer and deeper and give you lots of smiles. I tease the boys that their smiles are "positive reinforcement" for Mommy! With all the crying, feeding and sleepless nights, the smiles keep me going.

    And it is true to look back at where they were last week. It's amazing when you look back you can see how far they've come!

  4. Ilse, you always told us
    “it gets better every day” and I'm holding onto that.

    Heather, thanks for the encouragement! They have smiled, but it's not an every day thing and sometimes I even doubt that it's a proper smile!

  5. it makes sense to look at it in weeklong increments. I see many changes in you and the way you describe things from your first posts to where you are now in the motherhood thing.
    Your babies are beautiful. The second picture, looks the baby is praying! or meditating! adorable!


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