Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Why do people say these things?


It was our first trip to church as a family of four.

Lest you think I'm totally unredeemed, D and I have been some... when we've had Mabel to babysit. Mabel's the first night nanny.

Usual chaos ensued as we had to time their waking from naps, feeding, dressing, bundling in car with bags, etc. with military precision.

Eventually we're all in the car, quiet babies in the back, and we're feeling quite proud of ourselves for actually getting out the house in one piece.

Church is fine, although the door to the family room (as I refuse to take care of two babies by myself in the mother's room) was too narrow for our twin pram so had to get second door opened, etc, etc. I find this is the case in the shopping centres too.

Nevertheless, the church service is 90 minutes long so towards the end they're getting crabby as they now need to sleep so both D and I stood at the back, rocking the babies.

I then got these smiles from a lady diagonally opposite me which I mistakenly thought were sympathetic smiles at the restless babies.

Nooooo.

The minute the pastor said his last "amen" she dashes over to us and says this:

Why is your baby so small? What's wrong with her? Is she sick?

I had to touch D's arm to stop him from freaking out because I could feel him tense up.

I then said that no, Kendra was perfect (yes, I said this), our PAEDIATRICIAN is VERY HAPPY with her progress as she is eating beautifully and is, in fact, growing nicely. They were prem and so started off small but she just happens to have a high metabolism as she is not vomiting, no diarrhoea, etc.

All in one breath.

Well, you'd think she'd leave it at that but she kept going on and on.

Eventually I said to D, "listen, we need to go" and so she took the hint and off she went.

They are very different in size - we're not blind - but I do think it's bad manners to say rude things like that to people.

It's like saying "why are you so ugly?"

Or like me saying to my clients, "My word, your life IS a mess, isn't it? I don't know how you get anything done with such bad time management" Just not the done thing.

Of course, when we got into the car, we discussed our strategy going forward.

D came up with some sarcastic remarks. I don't do sarcasm but I do blunt :)

What's the rudest thing people have said to you or your baby?

P.S. Before this incident, it was "so why don't you have any children? Are you selfish?"
P.P.S. This is my post for SteadyMom's 30-minute blog challenge

18 comments:

  1. We do get a lot of comments about is one bigger than the other? And Liam is not small for his age, even as a premie, but he's sitting next to his brother, who last we checked was 3 lbs heavier than him. The physical therapist was shocked to find out they both eat the same amount of food. But they do. It's just a difference in build and metabolism.

    I think the rudest question we get is if twins run in our family. Sometimes I'll admit they are IVF twins. Other times, like in our Catholic church which frowns upon IF treatments, I say that it's more common when you're an older mom, which I am but people don't realize it.

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  2. Heather, you're right.

    I'm SOOOO used to the "do twins run in your family?" question that I just outright say "oh, they're ivf babies" and that shuts people up. Some, however, then say things like "but isn't ivf expensive?" I then say "yes" and leave it at that.

    But you can see they're ITCHING to ask "how much" LOL

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  3. "Are you selfish?" People actually said that??? I think the more appropriate question would be "do you enjoy your sanity?" LOL

    I don't remember the rudest thing that was said...I'm sure I said something bitchy in response.

    Hailey is smaller than Matt...to this day some people look at me doubtfully when I say that they're twins...ridiculous!

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  4. It is easier to deal with the size issues when the smaller baby is a girl - can you imagine what she would have said if your SON was the smaller one? The rudest comment I got pre-kids - when we had been trying for about 2 years was - "you shouldn't wait forever, I mean you think you have time but..." Ass. I occassionally get the comment relating to my working hours but that doesn't bother me (my own guilty is plenty, thank you very much).

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  5. You'll probably be able to write a mini-journal about rude things people say or do b/c they see you have twins. Oh, and I've been asked "how much" and not only were they not satisfied w/ "a lot" or "it's another 'car payment'", they kept asking "but exactly how much? 10k, 20k?" Seriously, annoying. Aside from "do twins run in your family?" I tend to get, "Two boys? I thought one was a girl!" :O I'm not sure how when they're both in "boy" clothes and most times dressed similar. ::shaking head:: I don't get it. But yay for making it to church w/ the twins! I have a tip, get a bag that is for church or "quick" runs. It was easier than carrying around the BIG twin diaper bag. I got one that fit 2 bottles, 3 dipes, spitrags, and wipes. The essentials.

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  6. People say rude stupid things because they're rude and stupid. I try to take the rude and stupid things as a reminder not to be rude and stupid myself.

    My top 5 rude and stupids:
    1. "What's wrong with her face?" (about Melody)
    2. "They can't be identical. That one's taller."
    3. "She must be the bad one." (when Jessie's grumpy because she's hungry and tired and dinner is an hour late and I'm trying to find something to eat at the grocery store)
    4. "Are they your kids? Like REALLY yours?" (This is because I am South Asian and my kids are South Asian-Caucasian-Hispanic. So we don't look like the same race. They could be adopted. They're not, but they'd still be mine if they were. Ugh.)
    5. "Are they natural?"

    There is humour to be found in the rude and stupid, though. Here's mine: http://rodrigueztwins.blogspot.com/2008/02/dont-catch-me-on-bad-day.html

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  7. I obviously don't have twins, and people were never that rude, but the most annoying comment was people telling me that I didn't look pregnant at all or was just beginning to show when I was 7 months pregnant. I gained 8 in. in my waistline. How big did they think I was before?!

    I have also had a complete stranger remark about the size of Josiah's ears. They said it as a joke and I took it as such, but was surprised at the lack of tact.

    The rudest comment I ever had was from my psychotic ex-SIL who said that I was jealous of her because she could have kids and I couldn't. Considering the source, though, it's a little different scenario.

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  8. wow- rude! i'd have smacked her in the mouth. heh.
    i think it's adorable how she's so petite & he's such a bruiser ;)

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  9. I'd have to say the rudest thing that has ever been said to me was by a friend of my daughter in laws. This happened at the calling hours at the funeral home for my grandson. When this "friend" learned that he had passed away at my home she said "What did you do to him?" in a terribly accusatory tone. My mouth dropped open and I did the fish out of water gasping and then I walked away from her.

    Unbelievable.

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  10. I still get stunned by the just plain stupid things people say....it started within hours of my kiddo's birth when a nurse who woke her up by sticking a cold stethoscope inside her cozy swaddle, said (in response to kiddo's screams) "well you're going to have a handful, you can tell really early about personality." And bc she is on the petite size, comments about her size are constant. I try to follow kiddo's lead since she just ignores them.

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  11. Brace yourself. People think it is their divine right to say anything they like and they do, but they would be hurt if you said anything back... You do realize they are the class bullies of forty or fifty years ago and they are never going to change. I always think of things to say after the fact... but I know I shouldn't dwell on other folks nastiness... Rather than saying something mean back I try and be overly gracious. "Gosh, how kind of you to say that." "Thank-you so much for mentioning that." And my best: Thank-you for noticing how unique and special he/she is" - for those that say... surely THAT one can't be yours. ... If I can rise above the nastiness and just keep repeating myself if they don't get it, then I tend to feel less annoyed about it , but never less hurt. I am all for encouraging new moms, but it doesn't seem to be a universal policy!!!

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  12. Because they are stupid. I have never even noticed that they were different sizes. They look so much alike!

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  13. The phrase 'bite me' comes to mind for rude people like that! My godkids were just like yours - he was big for his age and she was smaller - as in size 1 clothing when she was nudging 2.5yrs. HOWEVER now they're almost 8 and she has caught up with him and they're both tall, strapping, delightful young people. She just took longer to get there.

    Don't those people seem dumb when they're not looking at identicals, too? Grrrr.

    As for the 'so why don't you have children' - hmm yeah we used to get that one too. Normally I'd bite my tongue but if someone was a completely rude **** I'd sometimes say "oh, ours is dead". I'm hoping that getting a blunt response like that would teach that person to not be such a rude jerk, so that some future person is saved the inquisition ;)

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  15. I think some people are just big fat roadblocks to joy. I wonder if they do it intentionally? That lady at your church is a perfect example.

    I've decided some time ago to always be blunt and honest back. That way, if they are not intentionally rude, maybe they will learn. If they are intentionally rude then I am merely expressing that I don't play those games.

    Ironically, my 3 year old with a metabolic disease is actually larger and healthier looking than most 5 year olds. I get weird, almost accusatory comments like, "I thought he was ill, he doesn't look sick to me." I now answer, "That's because I take such excellent care of him- and I don't take him places when he is in crisis."

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  16. Great answer, Susan! And I like your reasoning around being blunt and honest.

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  17. I haven't had so many rude comments as I've had annoying comments. Being the mother of an only child, I often get the feeling from strangers that this is somehow "wrong".

    When my daughter was a baby, people would often ask "Is this your first?" I'd reply with "first and only". Immediately, they'd say "oh, you'll have more..." REALLY??? You know something I don't?? When I insist that I won't, they insist that I will.

    I've tried the "I'm almost 40" route to which they reply "I know LOTS of women who had babies at 40." Well... good for them! I'm exhausted!

    Then, I tried the honesty route and laid my life out on the table admitting to infertility issues and finally getting pregnant. You'd think that was enough to shut someone up. No. They'd just go on... "well... if you had one miracle baby, you can have another!"

    Right. It's THAT easy! And, let's not forget the adoption route. "You can always adopt".

    What's wrong with having only one child? I LOVE my Onesie Baby! She's enough for me, why isn't she enough for everyone else?

    People need to mind their own business. No, seriously!

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  18. Very interesting! Don't most twins have a baby that is born much bigger than the other? My daughter's twin friends were also born much bigger and much smaller.<<It is a perpetual joke between them.

    But people do blurt out the dumbest stuff--definitely brain farts.

    :-) Marion

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