Sunday, May 30, 2010

Couple friends

I have this friend.

We knew each other from ministry at church and we had two things in common.

We both had part-time businesses and we're both ultra-organised.

Eventually we got to chatting and there were many synergies so we had coffee one day (this was YEARS ago - at least 4) to discuss how we could work together.

And it took off from there.

The friendship, that is.

Now we're the most unlikely of friends because she is Absolutely Gorgeous and was a Miss South Africa finalist in her youth :) and I'm, well...

Not so gorgeous and more into comfort than style LOL

We got along famously in the beginning and I even coached her in her business for a couple of months.

Then we decided to involve the men in our lives.

Big mistake.

Strange because I get along famously with her husband (not in a weird way - we are just very, very similar). He's also very funny.

Thing is... they have marriage problems. Big ones.

I firmly believe that no-one knows exactly what goes on in a marriage except God and the couple involved so I'm not judging them in the least.

When the four of us would go out together, they'd snipe at each other to the point where it was uncomfortable and D and I wouldn't know where to look, let alone how to behave.

They're both not shy about saying things in public (or maybe I just have a way of making people feel so comfortable that they'll share anything....?), even about s*x!

At first we thought it was a once-off.

But it happened again and again.

After the last time, last year sometime, on one of the night nanny evenings, D said to me afterwards, "that's it! I don't want to go out with them ever again."

And neither do I.

I don't know if it's because of the marriage issues but it seems like they look for opportunities to hang around other people. We live near each other so collect each other's mail, feed dogs, etc. if the other couple is away or needs some help. If I have to drop off her keys, she'll say, "oh, I'll come collect it" and then the two of them arrive and they visit forever.

I've noticed D just makes up some excuse and he's out of there. I don't blame him one bit - as he says, "she's your friend".

Do you have couple friends where you tried to extend the friendship to all 4 parties and it bombed?

We used to do lots of girl things together - chick flicks, women's days at the church, etc.

Not anymore.

She was also starting to be a bit of a flake and would only contact me when there was drama.

I heard something on Dr Phil once about relationships - if you only talk about problems then you have a problem relationship.

I feel it's the same with friendships - if you only talk when there's drama, then it's a friendship about the drama and not much else.

Happy as I am to help someone (I think you get a fair enough idea of me in this blog), I really want a bit more than that in a friendship.

So I remained friendly and I do check on her now and again. And we help each other out in neighbourly things. But God gave me a good talking to some months back - that I'm not her salvation (because I tend to feel responsible for people!), He is.

Now here's the thing:

Sex and the City.

I'd love to go see SATC2 with her as she is the ideal person for this type of thing. In fact, we went to see the first movie together - we speak very openly about sex so it did make sense :)


I don't want things to go off track again with the husbands and the drama and such. Since I've worked hard on the boundaries...

I can't very well say, "I like you. D likes him (he does - they're both very creative types). But we don't like the two of you together" LOL

Do you think I should invite her?

Or should I just leave it and ask someone else to go to the movie with me?

This is a pic of one of our best couple friends.

P.S. I don't have a huge number of friends who I can do stuff like this with.
P.P.S. Writing this made me think of so many other friendship-type things I want to write :)


  1. If you still like her as a person and as a friend, maybe seeing a chick flick together will be a great thing. You can remember who you were as girlfriends, and maybe establish that as the new 'norm' for your relationship.

    As for avoiding the couple-ship, can you maybe let it be known to her that, since the twins were born, you and your hubby like to have time with just the two of you? Meaning, you don't really have time for couple dates anymore?

    I don't mean to suggest you try rebuilding your friendship with her based on an untruth, but that scenario is what came to mind.

    Good luck! :)

  2. Ooooh Mandy IS v wise, and it's probably an approach I'd take, but I don't know that you'd be comfortable kinda (ish) telling her a white lie?

    What happens, if you 'hook back up' and something happens with her hubby? Are you in the space where you'll end up being her emotional crutch? I don't want to sound harsh because I've helped a number of friends in that boat, but gees - it could be tricky. Plus, hon, you mentioned the word 'flake'. That put my radar on instantly.

    I'd love to go see that movie with you.

    PS: You are gorgeous.

  3. I like Mandy's advice too...and it's probably not very untrue if you're like us! Also, even if you go to the movie with her, you don't have to commit to doing things all the time. I have several 'once in awhile' friends that I see when the opportunity arises, but don't talk to very consistently in between.

    I was great friends with a guy all through school (since day care, actually), and my husband disliked him the very first time they met. It was not jealousy or anything--they were just complete opposites and didn't hit it off. (We still see the friend occasionally, and they get along ok, but they'll never be "friends".) Luckily, my best friend's husband is a fraternity brother of Jeremy's, so we spend a lot of time together!

  4. I agree with what Mandy said. No need to give up the friendship between you and her because it sounds like you two get along fabulously and these days it's hard to find a good friend.

    Letting her know that couple time is precious to you and when you have the opportunity, you'd much rather spend it with D, alone. I'm sure she'll understand!

  5. Ag now if we loved nearer I'd go with you.

    I think every friendship has it's season - sometimes it's just over. Maybe this one is just over. If you do not want it over, think about taking it on just with her. One of my best friends is just a "girls" friend - our hubbies do not get along. We still have a good time together.

  6. I think you can ask her to see the movie and leave it at that... It sounds like you are aware of the type of friend she is and shouldn't have a problem being sucked back into her drama.

    I will say though, I went to see the movie Saturday night and it was pretty terrible. I LOVE SATC and I LOVED the first movie. I thought the 2nd movie really ruined it. The 6 other women with me thought the same... I know that's not the advice you were searching for, but I thought I'd share...
    If you see it I'd love to hear your thoughts...

  7. Hi there! Thank you so much for stopping by my blog!

    Well, it sounds like you and her are good friends, so I would just make it a point to just plan "girl" time with her. You definitely don't want your husband to feel annoyed even more with them, and if he wants to hang out with her husband, then they can make their own plans. If she asks why you all don't get together as couples, maybe you can tell her in a nice way so that she'll understand.

  8. Ugh! This is always so hard, I have no advice. My one local bloggy friend and I met up awhile ago, before we had our twins and her daughter. We finally got the men together and it's been going great! They are so much fun to hang out with. We've been very lucky!

  9. Tough one.. but I'm leaning toward figuring out whether this friendship is passed it's sell by date, or whether you have the energy to invest. It's not always as simple as that in my mind. Do you think one should only choose friends that are easy to get along with.. that like us, love us, build us up etc? Maybe I should blog on this?!!


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