Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Blame is a terrible thing

I mentioned before that once upon a time (2000 - 2001) we pastored an area in our church.

One of our cell groups was a youth cell group and the cell leader and I are still very good friends today.

So, as Facebook goes, I am friends with most of the people who used to be in her youth cell group and the one girl is now married and when we became FB friends, she contacted me because she was also pregnant with twins, twin boys, and wanted some advice.

Anyway, we chatted back and forth, as you do, and then she also had her babies at 32 weeks. What are the chances?!

So I wrote on her wall, etc, etc.

Well, months pass and I was thinking of her. I go to her wall and see all this "my condolences" talk and I freak out.

I message my cell leader friend and say, "what on EARTH happened?"

Turns out after they both came home after about 5 - 6 weeks in NICU, one baby died about 4 weeks later due to SIDS.

I was floored.

I got her number and tried to call her because instinctively I knew she's blaming herself and that's going to be difficult (impossible!) to get over.

Also, sometimes Christian people can be a bit too "spiritual" (I'm Christian, I can say this LOL) and not very practical, like with me and the infertility. They'll all talk about faith and not deal with her feelings and emotions.

I couldn't get through and kept getting weird tones - maybe she cancelled SIM card?

I then ran into my friend at the gym (one good thing about going, you catch up with all sorts of people) and we got chatting and she said exactly what I'd been thinking - this girl blames herself terribly and will not talk to anyone, not even her hubby.

I decided enough of the wishy-washy, I'm going to message her through FB. So I did.

I just prayed for God to guide me, to use the right words, etc.

She wrote back almost immediately and said she is definitely to blame, she should have known better, etc. And no, she does not want to talk but thanks for caring. Oh, and she is done with being a Christian as her faith has been destroyed.

I respect that but I know and can just sense through her words how deep she's hurting. I can't even imagine going through that.

I heard Dr Phil say once that you can only blame yourself if you had the intention to do whatever happened.

All of that to say, please will you say a prayer for a hurting mom of twins, who now only has one baby on earth.

What else can I do?


  1. How terrible. She is in my thoughts. And you are a great person and friend to go to those lengths to offer support.

  2. What a terrible story. Shame poor woman. I think you have done all you can at this point, maybe sometime in the future you can ask her if it would be ok to visit but she clearly doesnt want to talk yet.

  3. Being a parent makes these stories hit home so much more now. I am so sorry for your friend and cannot imagine the pain in her heart right now. I will pray that she finds a way to heal - we all know it will not be easy.

    Not sure what I would do if it were me but I think I wouldn't push too hard (unless I were a best friend). I would check back in occasionally so she knows you are still there if and when she is ready.

  4. That is so sad... I am so sorry. I am praying for her heart and her relationships around her to heal... she must be so broken and really there is nothing you can do that is more powerful than prayer.

  5. How incredibly sad. I will definitely pray for her whole familiy. I like Nicole's advice on not pushing too hard... but maybe remind after awhile that you're available to talk, and it doesn't have to be from a spiritual/God/church perspective...just supportive.

  6. Oh, Marcia, how tragic. My mother-in-law has a co-worker, also a grandma to twins, who lost one of her grandbabies to SIDS. The Grandma doesn't blame herself, but I know my MIL is careful not to talk about my girls', especially the "twin thing", too often around her.

    I could so easily see myself being her. I don't have religious faith starting out, so I wouldn't had that additional loss, but wow, this really hits home. All you can do is hope that she finds someone who can truly empathize, and to whom she can open up.

  7. Oh, that's so sad! I can only imagine how much she's hurting! As those of us who have been through infertility know, you need the time to grieve on your own. I hope that she's able to see God working in her circumstances once more, rather than turning away from Him. If I were you, I'd probably continue to send your messages or small gifts throughout the months to let her know that I am still praying and still care, whether she wants to talk or not. Perhaps, this will open up the doors of communication, as she will see that you genuinely care.

  8. Oh gosh this is incredibly sad. I will certainly keep her in my prayers.

  9. That is so sad...just be a persistent and consistent friend. Continue to tell her what you feel and she'll come around eventually. I couldn't imagine for one single second what she's going through, but I do know that I would appreciate those that were there for me without fail.

  10. I'm glad you reached out to her, but at this point, I think the best is to pray for her. I know I will be. I can't imagine what she's going through, but I'm sure at this point that her post-partum hormones are still not what they should be to be able to grieve properly and accept the support from even her husband. My thoughts are with her.

  11. This story is heartbreaking in so many ways.

    Another bit of Dr. Phil wisdom comes to mind for me...he was counselling a woman who had lost a child, and she felt like she was "supposed" to walk around being sad. He told her that just because she didn't walk around with tears in her eyes didn't mean she loved her child any less.

    I thought that was really meaningful in "giving her permission" to be happy again one day...for her sake, and for the sake of her family and her other children.

    Blessings to your friend...

  12. what a difficult situation
    I don't know what to tell you, maybe just be friendly, and not bring up the stuff she mentioned she didn't want to talk about?


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