Sunday, November 07, 2010

Old hurts (2)

Continuation of yesterday's part 1

Anyway, the PA and sidekick then started with the insubordination towards me. I did what I could. Eventually we gave them a written warning which stayed on their files for 6 months.

I'd also been wanting a change work-wise and started applying for positions internally.

The quality of my work had not dropped during all this time (if it had to happen now, I think it may affect me more since I'm a lot softer inside) but I did feel that somehow I couldn't quite fix the relationships with the bosses (I felt like they thought I was not a team player because I stood up for that girl).

Nothing was said to me though.

Eventually a job came up, I was well suited to it, was the right sort of person and I got offered the job.

I accepted it and while we were negotiating start dates, the new boss said something like, "Current boss said they've earmarked PA to take over your role so I don't think it's going to be a problem to move on 1 Feb".

I was floored for a number of reasons:
  • a bit insulted that a PA was going to take over my admin manager job (pride!)
  • VERY HURT that they'd canoodled behind my back (I'm so transparent that just the thought of it makes me cringe, even now)
I felt then like there'd been this whole conspiracy to get me out of the department, like the new job was engineered just for me (weird things happen in corporate - the job may have needed to be done but they could have written the job spec with me in mind, with all my qualifications, experience, skillsets, etc. so I would be the "perfect" person and get it) just so PA could be head honcho without me there.

That was hurt number 1.

And then when I actually left the dept, they didn't even throw me a farewell which still brings tears to my eyes right now as I'm typing this. It is standard to do that and we'd always done it for anyone else. The PA was in charge of the event stuff so I'm sure she played a big part in this .

It made me feel like everything I'd done there in my 5 years meant nothing to them.

That's hurt number 2.

I stayed in the new department for 3 months and then left to come to my current company. That is not part of this story.

Those people treated me better in 3 months than the other people did in 5 years. They threw me a beautiful farewell. Not 1 of my old team pitched or tried to do anything for me.

Hurt number 3.

So I left that company with very mixed feelings, mostly a lot of hurt but excitement at the new job.

I thought I'd put all of it behind me.

I had made sure to block common friends from my facebook and I happily haven't thought of her for years and years.

But now? I think God's trying to tell me it's time to let go of these old hurts.

She works at one of our partner companies and they've just moved onto our premises (we have 3 buildings - they're in the furthest one from me) so this is all coming back to me.

And "my friend with the twins" works at the same company and reports to her.

We had lunch yesterday and I said to her afterwards, "I need to work out my issues because this is hampering my freedom".

I love going to that building, beautiful views, good canteen, etc. and now I don't want to go up there because I may run into the PA.

She (my friend) has not seen any sign of what I experienced (and many others - it's not just me - I'm just telling my side of the story, because the victimisation and craziness continued long after I'd left) and I'm sure she doubts the intensity of the story. I think I would too if I didn't know how honest and objective I normally am.

I'd asked D before, "could she have changed?" and he says straight out, "no way. she's two-faced".

But my friend said, "life is too short for all this drama" and I agree. Intellectually.

I know I should move on but how?

I honestly thought I was over it but I get stomach cramps thinking of running into her.

That time was so, so painful for me.

I asked D last night how I should do this and he said, "in your own time, when you're ready".

The thing is, all of us have meetings across the 3 buildings and it's a matter of time before I run into her.

I'm self-aware enough to know that I'd prefer the first meeting to be on my terms.

What are your suggestions?

By the way, I don't for a minute blame the PA for all the hurts. I know the bosses had lots to do with it and everyone has free will. Anyone of the remaining staff could have chosen differently and, in fact, one did.

P.S. Gosh, if you're still reading, congratulations and thank you for listening to me talk.


  1. I'm sort of an adamant "no drama" person. I just ignore people who bring drama to my life. Of course I don't have to protect people to the same extent you do. I think you should just be normal to her but don't pretend you are friends or anything. I'm glad your friend isn't seeing the victimization you described.

  2. Thank you, K, for your advice.

    I will definitely never be friends with her or pretend to be friends - there is just no way!

  3. I am all for avoiding sticky situations. It's just not worth the trouble to me. However, and I can't believe I'm admitting this, when faced with a similiar situation I have a tendency to gush about how wonderful I am doing. I greatly exaggerate, I guess partly in an effort to show that their ill will had no effect on me but instead pushed me to bigger and better things. I even downplay the other person, gosh I am so horrible! I very much give off an elitest feel, and can be very condesending. I just feel that bullies need to be set straight.

  4. I'm also for the non-drama in my life; however, when I don't like someone there must be something really wrong with their personality. How I handle it is that I won't avoid them, but if I run into them, I don't pretend to be good friends with them, but I will also be polite.

    You've come a long way since this situation, so that's what I'd do if I were you. Don't go out of your way to avoid her, live your life, but if you run into her and she talks to you, be polite, but not overly friendly

  5. I'm one for straight ignoring or what Mandy says...either that or confront her, but you probably won't get what you're looking for by doing that. People like that never see what they really are.

  6. Heather, that's exactly how I feel. There are so few people I don't get along with but I must say they're all of the two-faced variety!

    I love your advice.

    Rebecca, you're right. I will never get what I'm looking for (acknowledgment of wrongdoing) so best I move on!

  7. I always used to organise great big farewells for people at my old company, it wasn't my job, I just liked doing it. Collected for farewell gifts for them etc. When I left I got nothing at all. Nobody could be bothered. At first I was flabbergasted, but EDH taught me not to take these things personally. The corporate environment is a different place, it is not a place for friendships, but for business. Fine if you make friends. Fine if you don't. Detach from it. Also remember that any reaction you have to anything in life, is a reaction inside yourself, only you can control it by allowing it to impact you... this reaction you had to this woman is now restricting you. You are suffering from it, not her!


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