Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Infertility sucks, big time, and a question about adoption

I've had 4 baby/ non-baby talks with people recently.

1) at work we were talking about adoption and a colleague was saying about how she'd like to do it one day to help underprivileged babies.

Which freaks me out, big time.

Another joined in... same story... how it's such a good thing to do FOR THE BABIES.

So I pipe up (because I just can't keep my mouth shut) and say, "is it REALLY for the babies? Because if I had to adopt I would totally do it for ME!"

Silence... confusion... questioning looks

I explained that a baby would add to my life. Yes, maybe it would improve some kid's life but my motivation in doing it would totally be for me, and therefore selfish.

And aren't all people the same?

They said no.

I left it (fortunately I did actually have work to do) but I did say, "maybe it's different when you're infertile like I am!"

And we laughed and that was that.


2) A dear reader of this blog, A, has been emailing with me for the last couple of months since she was diagnosed as infertile.

She just went through her first IVF and it was negative.

She is understandably devastated (as am I) and when she told me she couldn't stop crying, oh, it took me back to my first failed IVF.

Terrible.

A, I'm thinking of you every day!


3) Very dear friends of ours who live in London are also battling. They've had at least one miscarriage that we know of.

She wrote me a beautifully heartfelt email and again, my heart broke. How they were at a party and a lady asked which child is hers, and then proceeded to give her advice on getting pregnant.

And how they've finally painted over the Winnie the Pooh mural in the baby's room.

I started crying when I read that.

I still haven't answered the email because I don't want to be flippant.

We love them so much and they would make the best parents, honestly.


4) Other friends of ours, this time in Ireland, commented on old pics of us when we were in Ireland with them saying we should do this again.

We said, "YOU should come HERE this time" or something to that effect and he said he needed to email us.

D then sent an email (you don't want everything on the internet, do you? :)) and asked if there was a bun in the oven.

And there is.

I am so, so happy for them.

They're not married and this is a surprise (!) but he's been wanting kids for the last 7 years (there's a story about him and previous gf breaking up because of this stuff...). I don't know how she feels because she's young (32) and gorgeous and a party-goer of note :)

So I'm happy for them but the "oops" ones always stab me a bit in the heart, especially hearing about it the day after receiving the email in (3).

Coming back to the adoption issue - how do you feel?

15 comments:

  1. yeah, well you KNOW how i feel about this stuff. Anybody who thinks they are doing someone (other than themselves) a favour by adopting a baby is SERIOUSLY self-deluded. There's a waiting list, folks.

    And the idea that it would be helping an 'underprivileged' kid? Oh, please tell me that no social worker is going to let this person anywhere near, oh, an ACTUAL child.

    Sorry, srong feelings on this one! As you already know! :)

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  2. I feel like you - I too have so many people around me which struggle with infertility and it sucks. Because I have two "oops" and they have none.
    About adoption: My sister-in-law have tried it but did not succeed because of how fussy they are about every little detail.

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  3. LOVE your strong feelings, Claudia :)

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  4. Like you my first IVF failed. Those first few days after my negative PT were filled with indescribable pain and defeat. Unless you ate an infertile you can not imagine the feeling of not knowing whether or not you will ever be a parent. The oops pregnancies always get to me. Not because they don't deserve to be pregnant, but because I to this day wish I could experience that feeling! DH and I glanced into the world of adoption after our first fail and let me just say it was a very fast glance. The red tape you have to go through and time waiting is too much for us. I still visit adoption every now and then just because I know medically I could never have another baby. I really think my family is complete. It has taken a lot time to feel that way, but god would have to bless me with a oops baby before we would become a family of five!
    Dear A, you are in my thoughts and prayers! I am very sorry!

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  5. Hi there. I happened upon your blog. Also a twin mommy here. I'm a new follower! Us multiple moms got to stick together:)

    Also I didn't have IVF, but went through years of heartache, medications and IUI to have my DD and my twins, so I know all about infertility. What a shocker the twins were though, I must say.

    God bless you. I look forward to reading more.

    Shelly

    http://www.twinpossible.com/blog

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  6. I think ultimately, babies and having babies and anything related to babies should fall into the 'do not talk about' category of conversations. Like politics and religion, everyone has different views, thoughts, opinions and a true lack of actual, practical knowledge!

    That being said I'm having some horrible baby fever and that thought of adoption seems too selfish, and slow, to appease me. That makes me feel bad about myself, but at least I'm honest!

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  7. It's so funny. I used to have this longing to "rescue" a child from poverty by adopting. Then I realised I was infertile and suddenly... wasn't interested in adoption at all. Wanted my body to work dammit. Now I would consider adoption but am more honest about it being all about ME. And so was the first feeling of wanting to adopt, it was just disguising itself as kindness...

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  8. I have a dear friend who is going through quite an adoption journey right now, so the subject weighs heavily on my heart.

    It really rubs me the wrong way when people insinuate how the adoptive parents are really taking one for the team, that the child is so very lucky to have been adopted. Of course the child is "lucky", but so are the parents!!! Don't make it sound like they're making a big charitable donation by taking in an "underpriviledged child"!

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  9. Well, first of all...I do sometimes feel a bit guilty chiming in on conversations regarding infertility because we were able to get pregnant without difficulty.

    I can understand how dealing with infertility makes you look at many situations differently, from a perspective I do not claim to understand. As a non-infertile, if we were to adopt, yes, it would be for US in many ways...to expand and enrich our family, etc. However, because I (presumably) could also expand our family by having another biological child, I think I also see the other motivators for adoption.

    If we were to adopt, I like to think that we would be giving a child opportunities he/she may not have otherwise had: a loving home, a safe environment, educational opportunities, etc. Internationally speaking, some of the conditions in orphanages/foster homes are deplorable, even though the caretakers may be doing the very best they can with what they have. I'm not saying that a child cannot be happy and thrive in those conditions, but many just aren't given the opportunity or the care that they need. Domestically (here in the US), older children and special-needs children have a very hard time finding adoptive homes and therefore, may spend their entire lives being shuffled from one temoporary home to the next until they phase out of the system and are left on their own. In cases like those, yes, I definitely think an adoptive family would be helping the child as much as themselves.

    As for Claudia's comment that there is a waiting list...while that is certainly true, there are many, many children who are overlooked by the people on those lists (due to special needs, age of the child, etc.). If we were to adopt, which is not out of the question for us eventually, we would be seeking a child who might not otherwise have a stable, loving home, not necessarily an infant with a clean medical history like so many families on the waiting lists demand.

    Sorry for the novel I've just written...obviously I have a lot of thoughts on adoption! : )

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  10. Whoa...I have VERY strong feelings and opinions on these 'topics' as we had 7 years of Primary infertility, adopted a child (at 2 1/4 yrs old) and then 2.5 years later discovered I was pregnant with a surprise baby. I'm pretty sure I've read every opinion there is on adoption and there is even more ignorance surrounding this than infertility - a lot more.

    I have so much to say here but I think I need to come back tonight to leave my comment so I don't say something I regret later. There is soooo much more to it than what has been said here, except Deanna seems to have thought a bit more about it.

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  11. I thought a lot about adoption way back when the Crazies were around 12 months. I do feel that it is the greatest gift to give a child, but aside from that, I thought it would complete my family in a very special way. After all, right now it's not all about just me either. As much as I'd love to do it, we've put that idea to rest.

    Infertility sucks...there's no way around it. I feel for your friends...it's so damn hard.

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  12. you give me hope every day. thank you.

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  13. Oh, the comment about painting over the mural breaks my heart too! I just feel such a heartache for those who go through infertility. I know the hopelessness, the hurt, and fear, the anger, etc. that surround it and I hate that others feel it so frequently. Now that I'm in the process of TTC#2, as you read, I'm feeling it all over again. Infertility sucks and I hate it. The only thing that gets me through is believing that God is using each one of our situations to write great testimonies for us. And some people's aren't done being written yet. Still sucks, though.

    And about adoption being selfish or not... I think that you can have a heart that wants to reach a child who's lost or abandoned, but there is always a part of you that is going to want it for yourself as well. I think it has to be there, and is natural for it to be there. You're taking on a huge financial investment (so to speak) in the process itself, as well as committing to care for a child for life. If you don't find a reason within yourself to want it (whether it's your own feelings of joy, success, fulfillment, legacy, whatever), then you either won't go through with the adoption or probably have some resentment about it in the future.

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  14. I have two natural sons and an adopted daughter...and we did it for ourselves, because we loved her from the moment we layed eyes on her. She might not be a child of my body, but she is the child of my heart.

    xx

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  15. This is a mixed bag of fish for me - and a lot of them stink.

    Our family adopted a boy from the "system" that was "at risk" and he nearly destroyed our family. (It is HIS daughter that I am now raising as our extra.) Long story - so far not a happy ending. My mom just had to give my Dad a son, and knew love conquered all .... believe me, DNA is very strong when it comes to personality traits, preferences and many habits. Mz couldn't be more like her parents if you cloned them ... (ask me if you are curious - but I won't put it up here).

    I FIRMLY believe one roll that God has for children is to teach the parent how childish they are in their walk with Him. Children are a mirror God gives us to show us our faults.

    Are there successful adoptions? yes, and plenty of them. But a great number of children never quite mesh all the way with their adoptive home - even if their home life and relationship with parents is quite wonderful.

    If I were to adopt (and I have no plans to do so), I would choose an abandoned or orphaned child from overseas. Why? I don't know.

    Most children in the USA come from the child welfare system - which has tons of problems - my parents kept kids for the system while I was growing up ... now they actively remove "beautiful" children from homes (on little more than a stranger phone call) and adopt them out, while returning less desirable children to their parents. Big Gov gives money for adopting out children ... http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2011/02/05/legal-child-abduction.aspx ... heart breaking system. And yes, I know too many personal stories of run ins with the state.

    After 4 years of trying to have a baby, and we didn't, I was quite distraught, but I knew I would never adopt a child that I didn't already know the parents. We were weighing options - we started to explore the "whose fault is it" avenue and suddenly I was pregnant with Kendra. Lost the next baby a year later, and then was pregnant with Vannan again shortly after that. Then there were 8 long years (including 2 miscarriages within a few months of each other) before I decided to "get healthy" and I did and then did a parasite cleanse - and the very same month I did the cleanse - I got pregnant with Joel. LaRue came after 2 more miscarriages, but again - the same month I did a parasite cleanse.

    I feel extremely blessed to have my 4 children naturally. Some people view my 2 younger ones as Oops babies - but they are not - I worked hard to get them all - yes I was surprised - but like finding you got the prize egg while you were hunting for it.

    Yes, I do know a few people who have adopted children (usually quite a few) because of the children - but most people do it for themselves. Those that can honestly say they do it for the children, I've found to be extreme givers anyway - they always seem to think of others first - and seem shocked when you ask them about "me time".

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