Wednesday, February 09, 2011

So, the s*x thing

click the pic for the Amazon review

We've spoken before about how it seems near impossible to have s*x regularly.

It's a combination of low libido, perpetual tiredness and a little bit of "no time".

I don't really believe the last one because you make time for things that are important to you.

So, my big goal this year is to get my relationship with D back in tip-top shape - I feel the biggest gift you can give a child is to have a healthy, happy marriage. It's so easy to let things slide if you're not intentional about working on your relationship.

I saw a book called "We should do this more often" - Lorilee Craker. The subtitle says, "a parents' guide to romance, passion, and other prechild activities you vaguely recall".

Of course I bought it.

And it was great.

It basically reinforced the idea that s*x is very important in a marriage, and I'd say having enough of it!

Dr Phil often says (or he used to when I could still watch TV at night) that if you're having regular, good s*x, then it's only about 10% of the relationship but if you're not having s*x, then it becomes 100%.

So true.

She acknowledges that sometimes all we want to do is sleep but that s*x is very necessary and fun too :)

There's a lot of practical things to do to and advice from real women.

The three things that stood out to me and that got a sticky note are:
  • 87% of moms are having less sex now than before kids
  • After seeing to the kids' needs, couples then pour their leftover energy into doing their own thing (she wrote scrapbooking or shopping; I could say blogging!) instead of working on their relationships.
  • You need to schedule s*x - it then starts to be something you anticipate - and sometimes you just need to do it. A quickie is as good as anything else - the laundry will wait.
  • and my best.... go to bed n*ked!
She also said that it's important to go away as a couple. From the time the kids are 18 months old, a week with Grandma will be good for kids - I don't think she meant twins but it's at least something to aim for :)

So what are your tips for doing IT more often? I'm always looking for good ideas.


  1. I am so looking for help in this area. Until the twins, adding another child never really affected our sex life after the first couple of months where we were adjusting to a new person in the house. But the twins, man. They have thrown me for a loop.

  2. I've always felt that Jesse and I have an overall wonderful sex life. It's good and it's frequent enough for my liking. BUT, after having Josiah it definitely changed. We went through many more "dry" periods, going longer without sex. And the biggest contributer to that was that after Josiah was taken care of, we'd turn to our own hobbies. There didn't seem to be enough hours in the days. What changed for us was realizing that it was not only important, but essential for us to make time for each other or our marriage was going to fall apart. It wasn't the lack of sex that was making us grow distant, but the lack of sex was a symptom of our overall apathy towards each other. So, we changed our schedules so that Jesse has 2 days a week to pursue his hobbies while I watch Josiah. 2 days a week he watches Josiah while I leave and do my hobbies. Fridays are family days or date nights. And weekends are shared, being determined by whatever events are occurring on that day. This allows us to feel like we can still enjoy our own hobbies without neglecting each other. I don't know that it's possible to do that with twins, but it's our solution. And since we've been doing this, I think we both feel more relaxed. We take more time for each other. We are enjoying sex more often again. And feel generally closer to each other than before.

  3. A very wise friend once told me, it's like going to the may have to force yourself to get up off the couch and get (un)dressed, but you'll be glad you did when it's all over.

    Words to live by.

    :) :)

  4. ...I love the line from MandyP, that the lack of s*x was a symptom of overall apathy. I think that can be so true...

    It sounds like she and her hubby have a great plan.

  5. Best.Post.Ever!

    It's like you've read my mind. I'll be ordering that book tonight!!

    Jan 31st DH rolled over to go to sleep and said "so much for January." So that was a harsh realization. But like you said, it's something that you have to make time for. We've instituted a monthly date night, so far that's a start!

  6. Well you know I wrote about this very topic a couple of weeks ago and I'm pleased to report that I have actually used some of the advice given and so far it has worked.
    The whole Nike philosophy seem to work best: Just DO It!
    Now whether I feel like it or not, I just to do it and for now its keeping my hubbie happy and I too believe its a supply and demand thing and that the more I JUST DO IT the more I'll probably start to want it again!
    At least I hope so!

  7. these comments! Especially MandyE's "going to the gym" and Sharon's "just do it!". And really, that's how it is for us a lot of the time. There might be other things I would like to be doing, but my husband and our relationship are more important than that book I am trying to finish, so sometimes, I just have to say, "ok, it's 10:00...time for se*!" : )

  8. Okay, so my sex life seriously hasn't been the same since infertility and twins have wreaked havoc on my life. I have two things that I try to do.

    1. Make dates...yes, I mention something early in the day, so we can carve some time out in the evening.
    2. Never say "no."

    Whenever we actually do it, we always say "we should do this more often." We're really good at it! I may have to read this book!

  9. I could write a book ... LOL

    But I won't.

    Things changed a lot when I went to work and Tim was staying home our second year of marriage.

    We hit a new normal - 2 - 4 times a week throughout all the kids - of course you always have the 6 week wait, and I don't for a few weeks when I find out I'm pregnant after loosing 2 babies with days of it. Just was too much of a co-incidence for me. Tim tried to be understanding. I try to give him attention in "other ways".

    But with LaRue ... oh, our S*x life has been somewhat in shambles. I think it would have returned to normal without the extra time I had to put into our extra girl (in a second house) and that car accident. I was hyper focused on her for 12 weeks! And the accident was at her 6 week check up. That is a long time for any man!

    though I did sneak over several times as she got bigger and ... well.

    But I just can't seem to get a rhythm into our household that allows the kids to all be asleep and us enough energy to do anything - he falls asleep on me just as often as I fall asleep on him.

    In fact, we had a "failed" one the night before his heart attack. I'm not sure how I feel about that - what if he had.... when we were ...

    But the last 18 months, we've probably averaged 1 - 2 times a week and sometimes 10 days between.

    And he's been more distant - I think he's been worried about his heart for quite some time.

    And he just left to go back to the ER.


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