Sunday, March 20, 2011

Oh crikey, I only have one week to put this together

So I'm doing a talk at the infertility support group next Sat. This is me stepping out and being courageous.

Also, I promised God years ago that if He got me through the craziness of infertility, I would speak of His goodness.

And so this is talk number 1.

If it goes well, I will tell you and hopefully we can get this thing rolling (I use the word "thing" very loosely as I have no idea what's ahead but am open to opportunities).

Somehow this date has arrived so quickly.

I've started planning my talk but here's what I want to ask you:

What should I be sure to include in my talk?

(D said "hello" and "thank you for listening")

It's supposed to inspire the new people (girls who don't have babies).

If you were listening to my story live and in-person, what would you most like to hear?


  1. I have two people in my life who struggles with infertility. One can never have babies and the other one can but struggles. I think it's a great thing you are doing. Talking to others who also struggles.
    If I struggled with infertility, I would most definitely wanted to hear how you struggled with your emotions. I think woman who struggles with infertility feels alone and wants to know that they are not the only ones who feel the way they feel. And where to get support, how to find it ect.

  2. Is your talk from a spiritual perspective or is it just general stuff?
    D has some good points and is just SOOOOOO
    I would like to hear about the impact of infertility on your marital relationship. I would like to hear of how you AND your husband got through it, how it affected your s*x life, what you did as a couple to work through it, how you supported him while struggling with the fact that you were the infertile one (I think most people forget about the man) as well as how he supported you, survival strategies (as a couple) with outsiders. I think that it is important to talk about the marital aspect of it because, ultimately whether or not you eventually have a child, you are still going to have a husband and my thinking is that if you do not deal effectively with it as a couple before having your hard - fought for babies then you run the risk of having to deal with it after the babies come. Not cool while you are sleep deprived and have leaky b**bs.
    Do men come to these infertility support groups? Does D like talking? Maybe he could do a talk too as the partner of an infertile?

  3. Good on you! I hope I also get the opportunity to talk to infertiles. If I thought about this for longer I might come up with more but my initial thought is to share all the hard stuff (don't minimise it) and hopefully that will give them focus and hope for themselves. DO share about God as he is all in it. And just recognise their pain and suffering and acknowledge it. That's all from me :-)

  4. I think one thing that has stuck out to me since coming across your blog is you weren't alone. You formed a support group. I felt very alone during my 3 year struggle. Yes, a few family members knew, but they didn't know the right way to handle. I was the first in my family to ever have this issue. I come from a fertile mertile. My sister was the same way. Yes, I heard the I'm so sorry's and I'm here for you. Don't get me wrong I feel very fortunate that I had this support, but I firmly believe if you have never gone through this journey you don't know how it feels or really what to say! It is a very rough time in my life, but I was not alone. I just wish I would have known that.

  5. If I attended a talk like this, I'd most want to hear two things:
    -How did you deal with your own emotions throughout the struggle?
    -Words of inspiration, hope, and love.
    I'm sure you will do a wonderful job!

  6. One of the most powerful things that was said to me as we were dealing with IF was, "If you want to have a baby, you WILL have a baby. It may not be 'when', and and it not be 'how' you imagined it, but it WILL happen."

    That really helped me keep things in perspective.

    You know I'm working with the group at the hospital, and - even in the two short months I've been involved - I've found it's been so helpful for *me*. It's such a joy to give back, or pay it forward, however you characterize it. I didn't know how I would cope with it at first, as those emotions can be so raw, but I've walked away so far feeling stronger emotionally than maybe I gave myself credit for.

    I know you will find the right words and examples to use, but as much as anything I think it will be really powerful for these folks to have you there, knowing you've been in their Andrea said, I didn't have many people I could talk to who had had an IF experience, and knowing you're not alone will be incredibly helpful in itself.

    I hope you have a wonderful session...can't wait to hear about it! :) :)

  7. I think they should hear about the pit falls in the whole struggle to get pregnant...and the strain it places on the relationship between husband and wife.

  8. have some great comments here. It will take you less than a week with *your* readers!

    1. You are not alone...reach out.
    2. Maintain your marriage without letting this completely take over or tear you apart.
    3. There is no normal...every cycle is different for every woman.
    4. The power of positive thinking (but something tells me you have already included this).

  9. Oh gosh, I hope you have endless time to speak!

    They know to reach out already because why else would they be there right? It would have been helpful for someone to have told me to really focus on who I told or merely mentioned trying to have a baby to. It's important to keep these things close to the vest so you are not constantly nagged by the outside world about "having a baby". Even if people don't know all the details, they are bound to inquire and it is always at the WORST TIME!

    I would hope everyone knows to focus on their relationship, as it was hear before having babies and will be there after. You should definitely mention to focus on the baby, not the experience. You should also reiterate that they are trying to have a baby, not get pregnant, and encourage them to look at what their actual goals are. Maybe even encourage them to have a plan B ready to go incase they don't get pregnant to get a baby. Encourage them to plan things for themselves as a distraction like a good massage half way through the 2ww or a trip even!



  10. I read this yesterday and thought 'must comment!!!' But I'm afraid that the only thing I really think you've got to include disagrees with what MandyE says :)

    My point would be that NOT everyone is going to end up with a baby. Harsh? Yeah! But TRUE. It's obvious that not everybody will eventually get pregnant, but I think a lot of people think that if that doesn't work, there's always the 'just adopt' option, but this also doesn't work out for a LOT of people. Sometimes adoptions fall through, etc, but for some people it's just not right, and there's also the big issue that not everybody's spouse is on board with adoption (or gamete donation) and so there is no failsafe plan B that is definitely going to work if getting pregnant doesn't.

    This is harder to put into words than I thought it would be. I guess what I'm trying to get at is this - we use so many 'fighting' metaphors about infertility - we say 'She's battling infertility', for example or 'she's still in the trenches'. The problem with all of this is that fights have winners and losers - there's a problem (I think) in the IF community that we say people who end up getting pregnant have 'beaten' infertility (as if they are the winners) ... what does that make everyone else? And the reality is that no matter how much money people spend, no matter how many cycles of IVF they try, some people just do. not. get. pregnant. ever.

    And that's not lack of will, not lack of trying, not anything at all about the person, it's just awful bad luck. And I think that there is a lot of false encouragement around - ESPECIALLY in churches - saying things like 'oh, it will happen eventually' (SAYS WHO?) or 'Your turn will come' (so you're psychic now?) or 'You just have to wait for God's timing' (when sometimes that timing is actually never). I guess what I'm saying is - encourage these women, yes, definitely! But make sure you don't forget, with what you say, that they might NEVER get pregnant, and they might never have kids any other way either.

    I had one friend who was honest like that with me, and I really appreciated it. And she was speaking from some experience - nearly fifty, amazing Christian, would have made a WONDERFUL mother, no kids, ever. Ouch, right? When I'm talking to a 'newly infertile' person, I think about this woman and make sure that I'd be happy for her to overhear what I'm saying. Hope that makes some kind of sense. Thanks for bearing with me!!

  11. Lots of good ideas ... I can only add one thing ...

    Bring your crowd as close to you as you can. This was something I have only seen done once or twice - and it can be very effective.

    One pastor, we were in a largish room - everyone was scattered around the edges - each shutting out the others and trying to not get "emotionally involved" with anyone else. Typically, everyone would bolt after the service and with only minor chit chat off we all went.

    One night, he asked us to all come up to the front few rows of seats. He came down off of the stage, and he taught us that way.

    It just felt more personal and we connected more. He started doing this every week, and very quickly, we were connecting more, sharing more, and helping each other more.

    The second one was a college prof. He again had a largish room and a smallish class ... 5 of us. (Upper level math) He had us all sit right up at the front of the class. I learned so much more up front - and the others agreed that they did too - we connected.

    You'll only have that one chance - but if you can possibly get the group to come together so they can really SEE your face - they will better HEAR the message - and the one that will matter the most - that you really do understand and they are not alone.



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