Friday, March 02, 2012

{Friendship Friday} Have you been dumped by a friend before?


Hey , hey, it's Friday!

I have just a few minutes and then it's time to get ready for my talk. I'm talking tonight at a private school in Jhb. My topic is "live your time freedom" so that should be exciting.

I went to the hairdresser this afternoon and when I got back home, Kendra says to me, "Mummy, your hair looks pretty" and then later, "Kendra also wants to go to the hairdresser. Kendra also wants pretty hair". :)


Anyway, onto today's friend topic - being dumped!

I've been dumped by friends three times before in my life and am also currently in the process of being dumped.

Let's go back.

1. We were a group of 3 friends at high school.

M was going out with a boy who she'd first had a crush on and then he got into her too. She was the type of girl who would refuse to do anything on the off chance she'd be out if he phoned.

If you think I'm bolshie now, you should have met me then. Fiercely independent. And both me and L told her to get out and make him chase after her a bit.

Anyway, L had a cousin in a certain part of our greater neighbourhood and she was visiting this cousin one Sunday afternoon when she say M's boyfriend coming out of a neighbour's house, very "friendly" with the neighbour.

She asked me if she should tell M and of course I said an emphatic YES. So we did and M refused to believe anything, said we were stirring (we really were not) and broke up with both of us.

Ta dum!

2. A good friend of mine at university just suddenly went cold on me. We were in the same res, and got closer because we had boyfriends who were friends and those two were also in the same res.

We had a fun time during the first year and suddenly she stopped returning my letters. In "my day" we didn't have all this technology. If you had friends, you wrote letters and if you were very comfortable, you used the phone to call long-distance.

I had a problem letting go even back then so I think I kept on writing for months afterward. And ... nothing.

Eventually I had to face facts - she didn't want to be friends anymore.

Welll...... last year on Facebook she found me. 18 years later! And acted like nothing was wrong.

I didn't know that I'd done anything so I was friendly back but after a few exchanges I plucked up the courage and said something like, "listen, I've always wondered why you stopped being friends with me. did I do anything?"

And she said that university was just so hard for her and a horrible time in her life and when she left that place, she wanted to put EVERYTHING behind her.

Fair enough. I get that.

So now we're FB friends :)

3. This friend was my best friend, or the bestest friend I ever had. I was her best university friend but she had other best friends at home. Well, we plodded along nicely til she started going a bit psycho.

She had some man issues and seriously, it was bordering on stalking and I said to her (very nicely), "maybe you should hold off for a bit and see if he expresses any interest". She didn't like that. But we didn't fight - we just disagreed. We'd disagreed far more vehemently in the past at university on other things (as you do when you're young and opinionated) but it was never serious.

Just got home again from the talk - excellent crowd, really nice people and money towards my US trip :)

Anyway. I think the other people in her life had been saying the same thing to her because suddenly she wasn't returning phone calls or text messages (by this time we were well in the technology age and even had email!).

She basically cut everyone off.

I got in touch with her sisters on FB about 2 - 3 years ago and it's still like that. She speaks to them but barely.

However, I tracked down a blog of hers recently, read almost everything one night and then I felt weird so I haven't been back since :)

I sooooo wish we could be friends again. I don't think anyone except D's ever got me quite like she did and she also loved Seinfeld and we laughed at the same stupid jokes.

Oh, we met in the bathroom - I was washing my face a million times a day because I couldn't deal with the heat in Gtn and we got talking. We lived two doors apart in res.

4. Current dumping

Well, this one just went very quiet on me. Kind of suddenly. I was very shocked and hurt, to be honest, but I'm slowly starting to face facts.

As I do, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, making all kinds of excuses but it was a new friendship so maybe this person just wasn't as into me as I am into her.

I think the thing for me is that I'm such a strong J and while very unpleasant and awkward, I would ALWAYS rather know that things are off because of X reason ("I have enough friends, thank you very much!")

Anyway.

So those are the stories of when I've been dumped. They all hurt because I think I'm a good friend. A bit too straightforward sometimes but that's me.

I don't think I've ever dumped anyone (problems letting go, remember :)).

So back to you.

Have you been dumped by a friend? Tell me everything! Or tell me when and why you dumped a friend.

PS what do you think of the new badge? I LOVE the font so much - it's called The Great Escape. And the background is from Sprik Space.

PPS Rachel posted about friend breakups on the blog. I'm hooked on the comments :)

17 comments:

  1. niobe9:17 pm

    So, I had this best friend. I talked to her every single day and I told her everything. And I do mean everything.

    One of the things I told her everything about was Steve, the guy I was dating. I was so in love with Steve! Steve was so wonderful! I had never met anyone like Steve! No one had ever made me feel the way Steve did!

    "I always know when you're thinking about Steve," my best friend told me "You get this dreamy look in your eyes and you can't help smiling."

    One day, my best friend left a message on my voice mail. She had started seeing someone. It was Steve.

    (and, in case you're wondering, though I never spoke to either of them again, I hear they're happily married, with a gorgeous house in the suburbs, a volvo and 2.5 kids.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMW - no wonder! In your case I would have done exactly the same.

      Delete
  2. I have been dumped! Twice. Friend 1 dumped me because I was "too weird for her".
    Friend 2 dumped me because of something I did that she didn't agree with. I respected her opinion at the time but she was judging me for a bad choice that I'd made. Haven't been dumped lately.
    I dumped someone a few years ago for flirting with my husband in company! She meant it as a joke and was very apologetic when she saw that I was offended but I felt VERY disrespected and couldn't move past it. I also prefer to know why so I can get closure.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm laughing at the weird - that's WHY I like people :) Esp you!

      Delete
  3. Don't think I have ever dumped a friend. But I have been "dumped", and like you I also have a hard time letting go... It always hurts. I think I am a good friend too, but sometimes now, because I don't want to be hurt I guess, I think I tend to not put too much out there too soon. But I don't think I have mastered what is too much too soon yet, so probably sometimes do too little - always feels like too little to me. But I think I may have a new friend with BFF status. It may have taken a year to get there. But it nice to have that with someone closeby again :). It sucks to get dumped... (or when you feel that someone does not like or click with you as much as you do with them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love that you're THIS close to a new BFF. That year of building the relationship was worth it!

      And yes, it sucks big time!

      Delete
  4. ps...sorry about the current dumping. I think that it's much worse to be dumped as an adult.
    And I'm thrilled that your talk went so well!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh yes, by my best highschool friend. And then two years ago she found me on Facebook. Love seeing her again. It just turns out we were in way too different spaces and too young to deal with her getting marreid at 21 and me being so single and independent. 3 years later I was in the same position with my BFF and we could make it work - difference being the years and me actuallymliking the man

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  6. I am pretty sure it has gone both ways for me. I think mainly due to changing and growing a part. Hope you have a great weekend!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Years ago when I was still in school I had a very good friend. A boy. No we were not boyfriend and girlfriend, but we were the best of friends. And the friendship lasted 3 years. But then he found a girlfriend and I never saw him again. He sent a letter with his friend who was in my sunday school classs telling me we could no longer be friends. I felt very very sad!

    I have dumped 3 people before - all three were toxic friends.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Ha! I've been dumped plenty. Most memorable was when just about my entire cicle of friends dumped me at once during my divorce. I had exactly 7 non related people who would still talk to me when I needed it most. Those 7 will always be close to me and I will bend over backwards to help if they ever need me. (and I will never keep all my eggs in one basket again)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hmmm...even after marinating (HA!), I can't really think of any dumps...in either direction. You know that saying that friends are there for a reason, a season, or a lifetime? I think the people who've moved out of my life were the "reason" or "season" friends. We've just naturally grown apart, often due to geography.

    I will say there are a couple of people I worked with here, in my current town, that I met through work, but I clearly considered them friends, not just colleagues. I was really surprised when they didn't maintain contact with me after the girls were born. I know if I ran into them we'd be friendly, but I guess it's kind of "out of sight, out of mind" for them as far as I'm concerned.

    One in particular hurt my feelings, in that I thought we were really close. We saw each other a few times after the girls were born, and then it was quite a while...and we started emailing about getting together...and I suggested this time or that...and that didn't work with her...and I tried a few times. She finally said, "The next two weeks are really busy with me, but after that my schedule will be much more flexible." I left it in her camp to let me know what worked...and she never did.

    On one hand I hate that she's not in my life right now (outside of FB status comments occasionally), but if she can't ever make time to see me, I'm not going to chase her down. Sigh.

    Hmmm...maybe that is a "dump", after all. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Sadly, I think I'm also in the process of being dumped. And it is making me so sad. I just wish I knew why.

    ReplyDelete
  11. so. i can think of 3 off the top of my head:

    1) highschool: i was great friends with this girl. we did everything together. then one day she called me, told me that her mom would be coming over to get her stuff, and that she didn't want to talk to me anymore. i STILL don't know what it was. but i honestly don't care (anymore). we're FB friends now. (and, as a side note, she started a blog about doing 52 new adventures in her current city. i want to ask if she has read BFF b/c it seems very similar to that type of "project")

    2. one of our best couple friends was A and D. A was a doc that i worked with (male) and his wife was annoying. we tolerated her. she was manipulative and controlling. when B was doing a post-doc in washington dc, i moved with him for the summer. while we were there i got a crazy email from D saying that we should "compliment our geographic distance with emotional distance" as well and that we shuouldn't talk anymore. i was PISSED. i was only friends with her to be friends with her husband. B and I liked him better! so i talked with her husband about it. and he was pissed. she, by sending this email, unilaterally changed the face of our friendship. we had previously vacationed with this couple, we saw them weekly. when we returned from DC, we saw them a handful of times. then when A had to look for new jobs, she pushed him to move back to their home town (4 hours away), and we were happy to have them gone. We missed A, of course, but we didn't have to try to deal with D anymore. two years ago she left him for a highschool crush. it makes me sad for him. and sad that he doesn't live closer so we could support him.

    3. i count my "CSA friend" in friend dumps. that was mutual once before. she was having an affair and managed to get me in the middle of it. her husband called me and demanded to know details. i was pissed at her for putting me in that position. so i stopped talking to her. we reconnected two years later, had a great relationship until last summer when she spazzed out again. now our contact is scant. and she's moving in 3 months....so it really doesn't matter now, right?

    in other news: i've started talking to my favorite spin instructor!! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous12:28 am

      Rose colored glasses are off. After a year of intense sisterhood I realized how stupid ppl can be. We were there for each other though some rough times and laughed though good ones. We both had so much in common as far as hobbies and outlooks on life we both commented on how bizarre it was. So when my friend started flaking out on concrete plans I politely asked her to give me heads it couldnt come not leave me hanging. She made excuses and never apoligized and continued to act the same. FInally after canceling plans for a stupid excuse felt she lied and called her on it. She calmed she didnt and blew me off. Tried contacting our mutual friend, not to get them involved but just to talk to them. the get no response. If our mutual friend doesn't try to say anything again I believe she did something to turn them against me. She has a manipulative streak. I used to see it as her being persuaive like a good sales person but her colors started to show. I stings, if I lost our other friend because of her I am really sad. I was going to take the high road and try to not involve out mutal friend called "d". Good Friendships should end because of betrayal, distance, or growing apart not simply because you ask them to respect your time. I will ever let myself get close to a friend again.

      Delete

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