Friday, March 30, 2012

{Friendship Friday} How easy is it for you to be vulnerable?




I'm typing this with a hot mug of tea in front of me while it rains (pours actually) outside my window - bliss.

I feel like I was so inarticulate with last week's post that both my friend and I were totally misunderstood.

To bring you up to speed in case your memory's like mine, we spoke about how (sometimes) we feel rejected on Facebook when it appears like other friends are getting together, getting along, etc. and you're the one left out.

I don't really mind if you think I'm over-sensitive but I wanted to make sure that my friend isn't seen in the same light :)

The situation(s) occurred when she thought she was part of a group (or equally as part of a group as someone else) and then felt like she was the only excluded one for get-togethers and such.

Does that change it somewhat?

Like a threesome suddenly going down to a twosome without letting that third one know or trying to include her.

I don't think there's any shame in feeling rejection. I'm certainly not ashamed of my feelings because I think they're normal.


Interestingly enough, I was reading I thought it was just me (but it wasn't) by Brene Brown at the time and she speaks on shame.

She said something quite profound which made me think about this FB thing.

That the way others respond to our "shame statements" determines how we feel about things.

Like, let's say (because I know this area OH SO WELL), you don't cope well with newborns and you say to someone, "oh, I'm finding it SO difficult to get through the days at the moment because I'm just not sleeping" and the other person says, "really? I don't have that problem at all".

They show no empathy and you then feel shame. The feeling of "I must be the only person in the world who feels like this" thing going on.

Because it takes courage to actually dig down and share those sorts of things, not knowing if you being vulnerable is going to turn people off you or endear you to them.

However, if the person said, "really Marcia, that must be so tough", they're still saying they don't experience it but it's done in a more empathic manner. And of course you don't feel like you want the earth to open up and swallow you.

I loved this bit so much I flagged it with my precious stick-e flags.

On being vulnerable... my heart is to jump in with both feet but I know that it's not always wise as I could get really hurt if I don't know the person well enough.

These days I generally test the waters a bit with a new friend and share something medium-deep to see if there's that horror in her face or if she'll be accepting and kind. And then I wait to see if she also shares something with me (it doesn't have to be in the same conversation although that's first prize).

Almost like a dance of vulnerability.

And from there I kind of just take it as it comes. But the doors have been opened.

So over to you.

Is the Facebook rejection thing more clear? Or does it still seem like we're being "silly" about it?

And more to the point...


How easy is it for you to be vulnerable with your friends?

PS I love it - people have started sending me friendship topics to discuss. If you have any, please send them my way marcia @ the123blog.com or leave them in the comments.
PPS Happy birthday to Rebecca and Allison :)

9 comments:

  1. Not silly at all!
    It takes a while for me to warm up to and to trust people. In some instances I just get a feel for a person and it happens almost immediately and in other instances it takes a lot longer - maybe even years.
    Also, it depends on their respective personalities or belief systems. If they come across as judgemental or fanatical then I am definitely more cautious about what I would choose to share.

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  2. That makes it much more clear. I assumed she read through updates and generally felt left out of life. So much more clear that it was narrowed down.

    As for vulnerability, I don't like to leave myself vulnerable-ever. EVER! Not with my friends, not with my family, not even with my husband. I enjoy being able to brush everything off and save my hurt for later. It may by a double edged sword but it saves me from having to deal with people!!

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  3. Great post! I struggle with trust issues and usually am very reserved around people. I have a few great friends, but there is only 1 particular friendship that I guess I have become "vulnerable" where I have been open with a lot of things! But then there is an absolute sense of trust between us.

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  4. I keep everyone at a distance - I don't like being vulnerable.

    However, there are 3 people who know me better than most, but all are very different relationships. Ironically, all 4 of us have a different core personality type as well.

    I never know what to say (intelligently) to most people. And I wouldn't dream of writing my thoughts on a public forum like Facebook. My daughters find it amusing that I write out long scathing or long explination letters or replies ... and then delete the page without sending it.

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  5. At the moment not at all. I have rather focused on nurturing the friends I do have.

    Mainly because I just dont have the emotional energy for new friendships right now and possibly getting "hurt"

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  6. I don't want to sound uppity...but I think I'm fairly approachable and I make new friends easily because of it. I think the best of anyone until they show me otherwise. I don't show my vunrable to people who have shown me their ugly side.

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  7. I have to read that book... it sounds really great! You've mentioned it a few times and I keep thinking 'must read'.

    As for your question... I find it VERY hard to be vulnerable in real life, but very easy to be vulnerable on the internet. I guess that I think that only people who relate to what I write will stick around on my blog (someone else unfollowed me today!!! Ha!!!) so the risk of opening up isn't as big. But it means that I'm terrified of what would happen if real life people found my blog. ICK. Too much vulnerability there. WAY TOO MUCH!!!!

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  8. :) i hate being vulnerable. that's when you get hurt!!

    ...although i did meet up with rebecca today! that's a huge step for me.

    you know how i feel about the whole fb thing!

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  9. In general I keep people very far from my inner self - and very carefully show that self to others. I feel very vulnerable most of the time, hence I almost stop worrying about anything friendship wise apart from really close friend. With whom I just share a lot.

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