Friday, May 18, 2012

{Friendship Friday} No, I'm not okay

Four friends have asked me over the last 24 hours if I'm okay.

No, I'm not 100s.

By the way, 100s is a phrase we use in South Africa. Do you use it too?

I put this down to 3 things:

  1. I really and truly just want to get this book DONE so last night I worked til 11.40 on fixing things for the Kindle girl, fixing other things and uploading the new book for print. Oh, and working on the website for the book. I've made a commitment to my coach to get all these bits and pieces DONE by next Friday so I can just relax. And throw myself a mini-party creating :)
  2. My husband is STILL not decided if he's coming to the US with me or not. This is stressing me out because I want to book already. My kind colleagues's been checking prices for me and she tells me the prices have gone up $200 every week for the last two weeks. Have you heard about our weaking Rand? UGGGHHHH
  3. Work. I honestly don't know if I'm getting stupid in my old age or if it's a confidence thing or a skill thing but I can't seem to figure out something seemingly "simple" for my boss. And last night I had a nightmare about it which is my signal to take some action or else. After I hit publish on this, I'll close all other programmes on my computer and work my little butt off (still optimistic so there's hope!) to see if I can get my mind engaged. And then come Monday I need to talk about it to my boss. Because I cannot live like this - I have a very low tolerance for rubbish in my life, I need to take action to fix it.
Anyway, the point of all that ramble was both cathartic (thanks for listening) and is also the topic of today's post.

Because this post is my answer to those 4 friends, most of whom read the blog. Otherwise I would email and answer their question honestly.

I must admit to feeling a lot irritated when I ask someone how they're doing and they just say, "oh fine" and then later you find out BIG STUFF is happening and you were not able to support them through it because they didn't share it with you.

I do get that it is that person's choice to share or not, but I like to think I'm a genuine enough person that when people share their stuff I can honestly empathise with them, or even try and help if I can.

And therefore, when people do trust me and share their stuff, I really feel warm towards them.

One of you wrote me a lovely email about your stuff which I so appreciate because it means that you trust me to be your friend through it.

I don't take this lightly. I consider it an honour!

If I keep trying and people are always reticent to share with me, I start easing off and in my mind I classify the friendship as "lite" rather than deep. I know we need all kinds of friends so this helps to lower MY expectations but still keep the relationship for what it apparently is.

Over to you - do you answer honestly with your friends if they ask you if you're okay? Why or why not? Have you then seen it hamper the friendship going forward?

PS there was a lesson on post-processing in Superhero Photo this week. I normally do nothing with my photos. Really, nothing - I plug in my camera, delete the duds and those are the pics I print (like the ones above) and already I'm happy with the quality. So last night I took a tiny break and played with some stuff in Picasa. I tell you, it could quite easily be addicting. Thank goodness I have no time for faffing :)


  1. It depends on what the situation is. If it is not too serious, I will also reply that I am "okay" but if it's big, I will say something cause I need the support to work through it. I get your frustration - one wants to be there for them and then they don't tell you straight away.
    Sorry to hear that you're not doing so okay.

  2. The only time someone gets a "fine" out of me is when I'm really mad at them about something. ;-)

    I'm sorry you're having a hard time at the moment.

  3. oh crikey..sorry about the ZAR/ really is bad at the moment.
    my "okay" will depend on the situation...sometimes I say "Okay" and sometimes I say things like "Got some nonsense going on in my head...but I will let you know if I want to talk"....I am know to internalise things...not just with friends but with family as well..

    Anything we can do to help you work out your "simple" things for your boss?

  4. "100s"..."no time for faffing"??? Loving the new phrases this morning! :)

    For me, I think it depends on the context of our conversation. If a friend calls to ask me something, and opens with, "How are you?" I would likely answer, "Fine," or, "I'm making it," even if there was something bigger I needed to talk about. Later in the conversation I might say that I really need some "Karen-time" or let her know that I would love to catch up in more detail.

    If I really have something big on my mind, I don't like to be rushed to discuss it...and I know if I said, "I'm kinda struggling," to a friend, she'd insist on hearing about it.

    I don't work everything out by talking to friends, but I know there are some things that are better not held in. In those cases, I definitely seek out opportunities to talk.

    This post actually speaks to me from the opposite end, though. My one friend who's been having all the issues...she rarely opens up about any of it to me. It's so challenging being on the receiving end, especially since I was her "go to" for years.

    I know with 99% certainty that she's working through things with another friend, which I promise is fine, and I think that she just doesn't want to re=hash things again with me. Again, fine. But...given that her challenges have been so central to her life for the last months, it feels so weird for her to be around me and not mention a thing. I feel compartmentalized...we've joked about me being her "fun friend" through all this...but it just doesn't seem "real". And I struggle with situations that aren't "real".

  5. And I am sorry you're struggling with some things at the moment, Marcia. I hope getting them in black and white was helpful...and I hope you make some progress on those points this weekend...and then have some time to RELAX! Hugs to you!

  6. I think this really depends on the situation. If I feel like talking about it then, I'll bring it up. Otherwise, I might just gloss over it. I try to think of the person's intention and the environment as well. If we're bumping into each other in a crowded area? I'm probably not going to bring up something that is bothering me. If we have a scheduled neighborhood walk/playdate/lunch/whatever? I'll probably talk about it when the timing seems right.

    I HATE feeling like that at work. I'm used to work stuff coming a little easy for me and I've been feeling a little of the same as you. I've gotten lectures from my "concerned" colleague...which is just anxiety provoking, not motivating. :(

    I hope that you get clarity, work hard, and then can relax and enjoy some time this weekend!!! :)


  7. Sorry you're feeling off right now. I was sort of the same way for the last couple of weeks. I hope you can get some things resolved and feel better!

    As far as talking to people about what is wrong, like many others said, it depends on the situation for me. And honestly, the people I am most likely to talk to about my problems are Jeremy, my mom, or my aunt...and maybe one or two friends at work. For the most part, all of these people (except maybe work friends) know what is going on with me already, so it's kind of a moot point. I am usually more likely to talk about the little things that are bugging me, rather than something major. I will get to it when I am ready. : )

  8. I generally just say I'm OK regardless. I think that just became habit after losing babies- no one really wants to hear about how you're still sad.

  9. Depends.... If it is someone I am open with or trust with the "specific" of that particular situation I will give the full /true answer. With people who I know are just asking out of politeness I just answer with "fine". I think in a some ways I do not trust people too easily, it takes some time. I hope you achieve what you need and want to by next week. Have a great weekend!

  10. I've never heard 100's or faffing, ever! I will admit to being a "fine" type of girl in public. I just don't get into detailed conversation unless it's a one-on-one dedicated time. If were sitting down to talk properly I'll gladly open up. One thing I absolutely hate is people nagging at me. I believe there is a time and place to talk, so even if I look upset while I'm in the middle of doing something, it's not the time to talk. I am obviously doing something!! That is a big pet peeve of mine, apparently I'm very different when I'm upset and people will pester me to talk about it. I can say that if I haven't discussed the issue as it's happening with someone, then it's probably something I wouldn't go back later and divulge.

    In other news, why is D dragging his feet? I say give him a dead line, especially if you're losing money while he hums and hauls. I don't know how you manage to do all these things. My head is spinning just thinking about it!

  11. Depends on the friend, and on their circumstances.

    No idea about 100's

    Hope you get everything sorted and those flights booked!

  12. My Mom always said that you don’t share ALL your business with ALL your friends. You share SOME of it with SOME of them, depending on how sensitive the matter is.

    For me, it definitely depends on the issue at hand and on WHO the friend is.

    I would say that the amount of sharing that takes place (for me) depends on the levels of emotional intimacy between us.

    I also feel a bit naar (actually I feel excluded) when people don’t share things with me but I do try not to take it too personally. It’s difficult though and for the most part I have it under control. BUT, it does get to me sometimes when I’m not having a particularly good self-esteem day.

    I am sorry that you are not having such a wonderful time and I hope that things ease up for you soon. Remember, this too shall pass.

  13. Some people around here say "100 percent". But mostly I hear, "not up to par/snuff", "hanging in there", "seeing light at the end of the tunnel, sure hope it's not a train", "feeling right as rain", "feeling peachy keen" .... oh, this is definitely an area for creative phases that say nothing and tell nothing. Spoken with a big grin and a hand shake, and sometimes a side hug. A lot depends on the age of person, as most of the creative phrases are spoken by the above 30 group - the younger ones seem to keep their head in their digital devices and only give out grunts to communicate. (Yes, I'm exaggerating ... mostly).

    Since I honestly can't say "I'm fine". I just tell folks I'm "hanging in there" with a big grin and they nod knowingly and usually reply, "Aren't we all, just don't give up hun."

    I don't have many friends that know me well. And I don't give out details to everyone, although sometimes I just get to talking and usually regret saying too much.

    I'm trying out this "twin" thing for a couple of days .... Joel's best friend in staying for 3 days. Two 7ish (M just turned, Joel will soon) boys is definitely interesting! The big girls are gone for 4 days. I'm exhausted, and we've only finished 1 day!

  14. That would depend on the level of friendship. If it is one of my BFF I would share my heart. If it is somebody more platonic...I would be "fine". I have had it with people that ask and aren't really all that interested anyway.

  15. It depends on who and what it is. Some things I will not share with anyone, i tend to climb behind the fortres walls and hide. But depending on if I trust soemone, I will share if I think it is ok.

    I do fine it easy to share with a few online friends though, maybe easier than day to day people. And this is also where I miss picking up my phone and calling by BFF in Oz. Mailing just does not do it, and the time difference is a killer


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