Friday, October 12, 2012

{Friendship Friday} The in crowd

 1. Don't forget to link up tomorrow - I'll do my linky a bit later at 3pm SA time so everyone has a chance to get in first :)


2. It's gorgeous, cold, rainy weather here and looks like it's going to be that way until Thursday. My electric blanket is heating my bed and I can't wait to jump in :)

3. A quick little update on the sleep thing - I kept notes last night. After they went to bed, there were 5 interventions in an hour and then, finally, total silence at 8:38.

People suggested different things - the thing is NONE of their excuses are real. They are playing us. Pure and simple.

Lesley, I have gotten hardcore parent on them (our styles are similar) because I'm not of the "oh this is just a phase" mindset. Yes, it may be a phase but the bottom line is, they need to sleep. And another 2 years is not an option for me - I'll lose my mind before then.

Tonight I forgot to take notes but it's 8:28 and they're still chattering away, an hour after they went to sleep. The bears have been confiscated as well as their favourite pillows and I may have to go in there again later.


Update - they fell asleep in the last 10 minutes so around 8:45.

Anyway, today was our work conference and I was once again reminded exactly how much I hate this sort of thing.

To be fair, I love the "formal part" - the talking about goals/ budgets/ whatnot, the awards, etc. It's the social bits that I mostly hate.

I don't drink alcohol at all and I'm not one for superficial conversation so unless I can find a person or two to talk properly to, I hate these things.

Our team is also small (tiny really) and we usually start off sitting together and one by one people disappear to be with their real friends. I also don't like being a hanger-on.

I'm friendly to everyone but not super-close to many people and those people are usually with their teams.

So after the formal bits today, I .... went to the loo, chatted here and there to a few people, got food, and then bumped into a work friend and the two of us sat chatting very nicely until I decided to go home. She walked me out of the venue and reminded me that the two of us actually became friend because we started chatting at a conference a good 4 - 5 years ago!

A lovely full circle!

Anyway, that made me think again about a work friendship topic (for me) - the in crowd.

I mentioned a few months back (very off the cuff) that so-and-so doesn't feel like he's new at our company because he's part of the in crowd.

Everybody wait, WHAT? There's no in crowd here.

(at this point many normal people might have toned it down but not me)

Me Of course there is! It's so obvious!!!!

Team member am I in the in crowd?

Me Yes!

Team member are you in the in crowd?

Me No!

Team member why do you say that?

I then went on to explain that a certain type of person naturally fitted the in crowd mould at our company. It's not a clear introvert/ extrovert thing and I could barely explain it beyond a few sentences but that's not the point.

The conversation then went to the fact that the in crowd don't create it, it's other people that attribute this to them (I suppose they were saying ME!) and they could do nothing about it.


I really don't know what my point was but basically I've never been part of the in crowd at work although I've never been hugely unpopular either.

Maybe it's because I'm so task -structured. I focus first on getting my work done and then on the chit-chat (although I've eased up a lot the last couple of years because I've seen the value in building connections). And of course, with my intimacy outlier, I really focus more on connecting properly with people.

Tell me your story.

Are you in the in crowd? Why do you think that is, or isn't?

PS One person in my team and her work friend were discussing the work conference this week and they both said, "oh we HATE these things". When I asked why, same story as me - the mindless socialising :)


  1. There is an in crowd in EVERY workplace. I am definitely not in any in crowd at work. That's one of the reasons I miss my former work spouse so much - we used to study/poke fun at the in-crowd. I'm not part of the in-crowd because I don't socialise with colleagues after hours, I don't get wasted on weekends, I have kids who are different to your regular kids, I don't gossip, I don't follow the "trends" that the in-crowds follow. To be honest, I just don't have anything in common with in crowds. It's bothered me maybe twice in my entire working career that I'm not in the in crowd. Otherwise, it's OK. Really.

  2. Btw...I REALLY hate work socials. I only go because it's the right thing to do. And for the free food and wine of course!

  3. This is why I LOVE working for a tech company. We're all geeks so there's no high-schoolish "in crowd" like there was at my previous job. Now, there are definitely little cliques, sometimes involving the boss, etc. but that's everywhere. In my experience, people don't realize they're being exclusionary and will be happy for you to come join them for lunch, etc if they know you're interested.

    You sound like me - I'm also very task-focused and would rather just get work done than socialize, but I've learned over the years that socializing is just as important, when it comes to getting good work assignments, review scores, etc. It's apparently one of the things women tend to overlook, from what I've read!

  4. Such an interesting question!

    I have worked for three companies, and I've made wonderful friends everywhere I've worked. At my last company, where I worked the longest, my gut is that I wasn't in the "in" crowd. I think people tend to view me from afar as very goal-oriented...people used to think I was older than I was...maybe even unapproachable... It wasn't ever uncomfortable...I think I was viewed as very nice, polite, and professional...but not necessarily someone who would be expected to be the life of the party. ;)

    It never bothered me...I actually found it kind of funny at times...because you know I just feel like Plain Jane Mandy. And at the end of the day, I was there to work, and I enjoyed my work.

    And I was very thankful for the good friends I did have, people I worked more closely with, who got to know me better.

  5. I'm not part of nor have I ever been part of any "in" crowd anywhere.

    Maybe it has to do with my INTJ personality,
    but I don't "get" them, and they don't "get" me either.

  6. There are cliques almost everywhere, and humans are generally social beings. I'm definitely not in the in crowd at work, I eat lunch late and usually at my desk, I don't drink or do late nights which means around here as you know, that kind of excludes you by default. It doesn't bother me the one bit but I find it very interesting and some what "teenager-ish"

  7. There is, an always will be, an in crowd in any situation! I actually think it may be normal!

    I used to hate work conferences and ours were the sleep over types - I would leave the dinner as soon as I could and then take in the hotel room silence :)

  8. Lesley8:54 pm

    I thought our parenting styles were similar : )
    I read out 'THE BEARS have been confiscated' bit to my girls ( 15 and 12yrs) and hysterical laughter broke out. We feel your pain. X

    I am not a lover of large social gatherings. I like to connect to people in a 'real' way and i don't really do superficial (well, i cant sustain it for long periods of time). I really do like getting to know people properly.

    I have never been in the In crowd and I would never want to be. I think of myself 'Left of center' like the Suzanne Vega song.

  9. I find it interesting how many of us (yes, I'm including myself!) on the Internet don't see ourselves as part of the in crowd anywhere. Maybe we're all introspective/less outgoing in real life and that's why we love the internet so much??

    I have not very often felt a part of any "in crowd" in my life. I'm often on the fringe, I think, but I don't think I'm outgoing/social enough to really fit in entirely. I need my alone time desperately. : )

    At my current job, we are very much divided along male/female lines. All the attorneys are male; all the other staff is female. I HATE that, but in some ways it also makes things easier. We females are very close, and with there only being seven of us, we really don't have clique problems. It's probably the best environment I could ask for!

  10. I don't know if I am or not, but I'm perfectly happy where I am. I have a bunch of colleague/freindlies that I smoke with, another lot that I eat with, a few that I like to drink coffee with that use me as an agony aunt of sorts, and a few that I have a battle of wills with.


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