Friday, November 30, 2012

{Friendship Friday} when your friends do better than you do

A quick few things before I dive into tonight's post.

We took a drive to look at the lights and the kids saw the Elton John CD set I'd brought in so wanted to hear it. Of course I played my 3 "Friday" favourites - Honky Cat, B-B-B-Bennie and the Jets :) and Philadelphia Freedom.

Kendra (of Honky Cat) Mummy, this is a silly song :)

Connor (at the end of the 3) Mummy, I like Elton John.

(I melt! I also think they like that I get silly while I sing :))


My work auctioned off some furniture and surprisingly, I won 6 of my 8 bids. So I have a lovely new office chair. It is divine (yes, I'll take pics).

I also have to arrange transport for my other stuff - woohoo!

In other work news, I'm trying to matchmake...I hope it works out :)



Last night we had our Infertility support group Christmas party.

The group's already been going for 5.5 years - can you believe it?

I never quite feel like it's Christmas until that party. Maybe it's because I rush and do the first presents and cards for that event which puts me in the mood for the rest of it?

1. Anyway, are all your friends more or less in the same boat as you are? Or are you better or worse off than they are?

This topic was sent in by a reader who is going through infertility treatments at the moment and... all her friends are having babies left, right and centre/ no trouble falling pregnant, etc.

I was there so I understand.

The worse is these very same friends are asking her to do a lot of baby-related stuff (come shopping for maternity clothes, baby clothes, etc). I don't think they know so it's not fair to assume they're being insensitive. Still.

The thing is this is good news... it's just hard to be happy for someone when you want that thing so very badly.

2. There was a dear someone there last night too who has had a horrendous time trying to fall pregnant. And now her little brother's wife, just married, fell pregnant on honeymoon and has had this so easy when she's spent a fortune trying to get the same thing.

It's terrible, isn't it?

Same story here - she should feel happy, is happy for them at least intellectually I know, but it hurts.

And then there's the age-old problem when everyone's working hard but your friend gets the promotions, the new job, etc. You're also awesome so why does it seem like things just come easier to others?

I've been thinking about the two Mandys a lot this week :)
3. There was a lady who started her coaching business the exact same month as I did. We were on par for awhile but then she got super "famous" and I didn't. We were Facebook acquaintances and on the same forums but nothing more so it was easy for me to pull back a little without her even noticing but I will admit I was jealous for awhile. And then I realised our situations are different and she clearly is 10 times more motivated to make money. 

4. I have another real life friend who was kind of the same as I was in terms of business but then she also started to really take off.  I pulled back because that thread of connection is thinner. So now I never raise issues of business unless she brings it up first.

That's how I'm dealing with it.

Interestingly enough, I almost have no problems if people do better than me financially (maybe because I've always been the lowest earner in a group or at least one of the lowest earners). I think I'm more aware in that sphere that I tithe and I'm well aware of God's provision (financial, emotional, protection, etc) and I am just so grateful that I really can't ever complain.

What about you?

How do you deal with it when your friends do better than you do?


  1. I was just having this conversation last night with a couple of MoM friends...and we've talked about it several times it's hard not to feel a pang of jealousy (even still! our healthy babies all in hand!) when people get pregnant / have "normal" pregnancies / deliver full-term babies. Of course you never know a person's story [they may have taken years to get pregnant and you just don't know] but you often feel based on what you see.

    One of the MoMs is pregnant again (Baby #3, a singleton), as is my BFF from home, and I [maybe only half-jokingly] told her, "I think the test of how valuable your friendship is to me is whether I can be 100% happy for you."

    Is that awful???

    But if I can be 100% happy...then I know I am committed to her as a friend.

    [Lord, I hope that doesn't make me sound horrific!]

    And you know I've been thinking about you both, too. :) :) :)

  2. In this context I have been the friend on the other side i.e. the one who doesn't have to work hard and spend money to have babies. I do have an infertile friend (she's been trying to have a child for 10 years already) and I am extremely aware of how I relate to her wrt my kids. When we were in the situation where I was pg (without planning it and actually not wanting this business of kids) she avoided me. I am also an avoider when I need to be one so I kind of understood her behaviour. She wasn't rude about it or anything - she was still kind to me. I understood where she was at and I gave her her space. I'm glad I did that because she obviously needed time to deal with her emotions. At the time she told me that it wasn't me, that it was her. I understood. When she was ready we resumed our friendship and up to this day it is one of my favourite friendships of all time. It's difficult for me as well because very often I don't know how to manage the situation. Do I invite her to things involving kids? Am I allowed to whine about my kids to her? I struggle with that sort of thing. So I basically take my cues from her. And that works for us.

  3. I'm kind of on the opposite spectrum in that I got pregnant super early and easily. I had a van full of kids before any of my friends even were married, let alone thinking about it. So while they were in college and partying and drinking, I was changing diapers. It really drove a wedge in a lot of my friendships.

  4. I have a friend who had just made peace with the fact she wouldn't fall pregnant when I fell pregnant with Jack. I was very aware of her - before I announced it to everyone I mailed her to tell her. It didn't make it easier and outwardly she was happy for us but I know it still must have hurt because our situations were so similar!

    Right now my friends and I are pretty much on the same level money wise but people being better off than us doesn't really bug me that much. It bugs D but it is so hard to "compare" our lives to couples who have been together for 10plus years and are older and more established.

    I have no desire to climb the corporate ladder or even make bucket loads of money - so I just let my friends who do get on with it :)

  5. If my friends to better than me, I am happy for them. I am at a stage of life where I am content with where I am and what I all comes from the hand of the Lord anyway.

  6. DH is having serious issues with this right now. Seeing other's in similar situations provide more for their families than he provides for us. It is a big emotional drain on him right now, regardless of what I say.

    As for me, I do justify my "situation" and when comparing with friends, I realize that I am better off than many of them. Those that I may feel jealousy over I can usually count as not being about to count their accomplishments as their own.

    Like you, I like to look at the whole picture. A boat load of money and house full of kids doesn't always guarantee happiness. It's all situational, and I can only do my best. :)

  7. I could write a whole long essay on this question.

    You know my background with struggling to get pregnant and repeated miscarriages. After Rue was born, for the first time, I don't struggle with those feelings. But I try to be hyper aware of others who may be in the same boat - though I never know. Some people joke and pretend that they don't want kids ... and so you don't know to try to protect them. And then you have the drama people who never stop talking about their struggles - and you wonder if they don't prefer it that way - just to give them something to draw attention.

    As far as financially, we are worse off than any other person I know. (Which doesn't mean I don't know of others struggling with more problems than we have ... but they are not in my circle of family/friends). With Dh unemployed for 4 1/2 years now, except for reffing basketball and volleyball - so he's working part time for 5 months of the year. But still, there is barely enough to pay the essential bills and keep food on the table, and we don't want to be on government programs. Most people when they say, "I don't have money for that" mean - they want to spend their money elsewhere - I really mean that we don't have the money. It is hard to explain to people that there really is NOT any extra money - that little things like stamps, pencils, coffee when you get gas .... are luxury items. That stocking stuffers are all I can afford to give to anyone.

    I don't know - I've rarely considered myself all that awesome. Even now that I'm older and I understand personalities and gifts and weaknesses ... it is hard much of the time to remember that I have anything worth while to contribute to others. I'm quite happy to be a SAHM and leave the business world to others - not that I'm a super mom by any means either.

    I try to be happy with what I've been blessed with - and most of the time, it isn't all that hard. And other times, it is nearly impossible.

    We have been blessed with better health than most of those we know. I count that as a huge blessing - in spite of Dh's heart attack last year - it could have been so much worse.

  8. I don't compare myself to friends or other people this way. No one is the same so you won't be comparing apples with apples anyway.

    Had a tiny pang of what-if today watching a good friend's husband playing with Nicola. My little girl was having the time of her life! I think it"s probably just because they made her colour in a picture of a two parent, two child family in her assessment work under the heading "my family" that's gotten under my skin about this.

  9. Oh gosh yes, well you know our very best friends are super well off. Really money is never an issue with em, however they handle it so well that we never feel bad about it - in the same breath they share so much with us. Also, they raise their kids with a very ethic way around money - they are never spoiled and although they may wear GAP kids and mine ACkermans and Woollies, they still love A' s second hand clothes and then donate all in the end. The kids never has the biggest and best toys and never anything eqlectronic. Hec, they only ot DSTV the other day


Thank you so much for leaving a comment and filling my love tank. I appreciate it!

I'd love to answer your email so please make sure your email address is enabled. In Blogger, go to Edit Profile, and under Privacy, tick the 3rd block and then Save Profile :)


Related Posts with Thumbnails