Friday, December 14, 2012

{Friendship Friday} Is it harder to friend-date or man-date?

First, a friendship update.

1. Yesterday evening I met up with Mrs FF for an early supper in Rosebank. We had a lovely time, eating and talking and she wrote me the nicest email afterwards. F, I was so inspired with all our talk of food that I cooked three things tonight. On a Friday!

We also exchanged gifts and guess what? She bought me gingerbread men cookie cutters! About 13 of them :) I am super-stoked!

Ask and you shall receive (even though I was only asking where to get them!). We are so on the ball (by we I mean Nanny S and the kids) that we've already used them to make some biscuits/ cookies.

2. It's the lovely Aimee's birthday today. I love this post. Aimee, happy birthday - you have such a way with words :)

Aimee, next time I come to NYC, you are on my list! Interestingly, I have been wasting time looking at apartments to rent on airbnb... madness :)

3. And last but not least, a work friend ran over to my desk on Wed in TEARS because she just found she's pregnant with number 3 (those same cholesterol tests had hers super high so she did the additional two fasting tests, and the nurse did a pregnancy one too). The hubs didn't even want number 2... so she was distraught.

I convinced her to just go to the doc to check things out properly and it turned out to be ectopic. She was rushed into theatre yesterday to do whatever it is they do and was discharged this morning. I need to catch up with her on the weekend to make sure she's okay.

Incidentally, she was on the pill and they were using con.doms (the hubs REALLY doesn't want anymore kids!) so please be careful out there :) if you don't want anymore babes.


So onto friendship.

Is it harder to friend-date or to man-date?

I think it's harder - much harder - to friend-date.

Man-dating has always been very easy for me. Mind you, I don't know how it would be now (not that I intend to find out) because the world is a different place than what it was 20 years ago.

Easy in that I'm a very straightforward person, men respond to straighforwardness and even though it was sometimes awkward to have  those conversations, both they and I always knew where we all stood.

I never used to string guys along if I knew things wouldn't work out. What is the point? Life is too short. Even at 17/ 18 I used to have the mindset that it's better to be single and happy than kind-of-happy with someone.

Incidentally, D liked that I didn't play games :)

Now friends is a different kettle of fish altogether.

There's the whole woman thing for one. You know how we say one thing but mean another....

And then if you friend-date...
  • You have to play it cool but not too cool.
  • You need to be warm but not too enthusiastic  (or touch-feely) in case the person thinks you're weird or stalkerish (like with J!)
  • You do need to show interest though, else they think you're standoffish and unapproachable
  • You have to be authentic but not overshare, right?
Then hopefully you like each other enough to want to meet up again. And hopefully you both want the same level of intimacy/ time from the blooming relationship.


I've written before about how I was dumped. So that was odd because I really thought we were into each other but clearly not. Normally my instincts are good with that kind of thing.

In writing this, I actually hope I come across just as I am and intend to be because what you see is very much like what you get.

Someone did say that they thought I would be more open in person... and I think I really am...but I do only share heart-stuff if the other person does too.

I shared something really deep with one friend about two months ago that I haven't shared with anyone else, even D. But that's because she was also very open about some things she was going through at the time. Reciprocity...

It's a darn minefield.

So yes, friend-dating has been (and is) much more difficult for me.

Over to you.

Which is easier for you? Friend- or man-dating?

PS Rachel of MWF seeking BFF fame (have you read the book yet?) wrote about this topic on her blog last year.


  1. Thanks Marcia, you are too kind.Thanks for my lovely gift which will start being put to use tomorrow! I also went on a frenzy though looking for recipes not cooking (guess talking about food can do that to anyone) - LOL. I am glad the gift is being put to use already and that you like them :)

    So sorry about your friend, hope she is okay?

    I do get what you say about friend dating and I deal with and have dealt with some of the issues you raised, what I do is take my cues from the other person. You know there's a saying I live by - you only pick up a child who opens their arms to allow you carry them. And of course reciprocity is KEY

    Friend dating surprisingly was always easier for me until recently, because I didn't have to second guess if the female friend wanted to be just a friend or wanted to be more than a friend. With male friends, I always laid down the "rule" to make sure we are on the same page which of course was not always the case.

    Now, it's a different ball game, be nice without being too nice, share but don't over share. That explains why I don't have many people I can call friends

  2. I think that BOTH are hard - for different reasons. Strictly speaking, those points that you list under friend dates wrt playing it cool and not coming across as unapproachable etc can also apply to man dating - not all men are straightforward etc.
    Having said that, I think that man-dating is probably more difficult. Especially if you in the market for a husband! I would NEVER be able to date because it's REALLY hard nowadays.
    Friend-dating is hard too but I DO think that like man dating, it depends on WHERE you are in your life.

  3. I only ever have friend dates with VERY GOOD AND CLOSE friends. I have been trying to set up dates with old school hasn't been successful yet. Maybe they are as nervous about it as me;-)

  4. Mmm...I don't know, both have their own peculiar mine fields. If I can share a sense of humour with either I find that I'm usually okay after that.

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