Sunday, February 10, 2013

So, are you done having kids?

 

This is the question asked of me lately and also after Friday's post, "so are you done having kids or do you want more?"

Before I answer that, let me share three quick things with you:

1. I always wanted 4 kids til we knew we had problems and eventually I thought, "well, if I just have one, it will be a miracle".

It was indeed a miracle and I feel very, very blessed (most of the time) to have two.

And because I found the newborn stage so incredibly hard (three is also giving me a run for my money), I can't see past that.


2. When we did our IVF, on day 3, we had three embryos but only had two good ones - an 8 and a 9-cell.

I asked about that third one and they said it wasn't a good enough quality to freeze.

While at the time I felt like I wanted some insurance in case we didn't have a pregnancy, once we had the pregnancy and definitely once they were newborns, I was Very Glad there were no other embryos.

Because it removed the decision from us.

At least two readers of this blog have asked me if we have embryos.

I'm really so thankful we don't have any.

I can't imagine both not wanting kids and having those embryos. I'm weird - I wouldn't want to donate them (my kids...).



3. Then I read this post on Ask Moxie about whether to have a third baby. Moxie has the loveliest readers - such levelheaded and balanced people (lots of T's :)) - and they leave beautiful comments.

So of course, I read all the comments.

And something struck and challenged me.

A lot of people said if you could always see yourself with lots of older children, then that's what you should keep in mind.

Because yes, the newborn and toddler years are difficult but they're short and once they're over, you'll forget those and then have the lovely family you always wanted forever afterwards.

I read of people having or wanting more after twins and I do admit to thinking, "you are absolutely mad" but maybe all along people have been thinking of the big picture?



Wow - I had never thought of it like that. And it actually makes sense. These readers are mostly N's too.

As an S, I'm so fixated on that newborn stage and scared to death of it that I can't see beyond that stage.

All that to say, I haven't changed my mind - I'm still recovering from having twins after all - but I do love that my thinking has been totally changed and challenged by reading that post and the resultant comments.

Isn't that fascinating?


So, are you done? How did you know you were or weren't done? Are you a big picture thinker with regards to kids?

 



PS which is your favourite pic? These were taken last week Friday.

37 comments:

  1. I am done with kids. I should have been done after one already but a big part of me wanted to experience "normal" - fat lot of good THAT did. When I was pg with Child2 I planned a 3rd child. At that stage I still had normal on the brain and I have to admit that I WAS thinking of the big picture (I am a big picture thinker which doesn't help with my anxiety issues) - I didn't want a big gap again and I was visualising them being great friends etc. Fact is, the baby stage DOES pass.

    THANKFULLY my sensible DH put his foot down there and then. I'm REALLY glad that I listened. I think that IF money wasn't an issue and if there was a 100% guarantee that I wouldn't have kids that needed "help" then I probably would go there. However, I REALLY do not need more special in my life cos there is WAY TOO MUCH of that already.

    btw...my friend has twins and a singleton. She was completely shell-shocked with the whole two babies thing. She told me recently that having ONE child has "healed" her in more ways than one. She tried to explain it to me but couldn't find the words. I knew what she meant though. There is a 4 year gap between her twins and the singleton.

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    1. I can definitely see how one child would heal the twin experience :)

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  2. I don't know how much of this you know, but this is a very, very tough subject for me. Lots of complicating factors...the biggest being the husband and wife not on the same page. It has been, and still is, very painful. (It's not something I think about on a daily basis...but it doesn't take much...a FB announcement, or spotting someone in line at the grocery store...to make me think.)

    I hate when people ask if we're "done". I know it's just a point of curiosity for most, but I so hate having to answer that question. I know everyone gets it...it's not one of those "are they natural" questions that plague mothers of multiples...but c'mon, people!!!

    Love the pictures! My fave is your hand in front, with K in focus in the back, signing ILU. :) :)

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    1. My friend, I'm so so sorry! Will mail you privately :)

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  3. Oh such a toughie! Do I want to be finish, no. Does DH want to be finished, no. Are we finish, yes. Barring some miracle there will be no more. The reality has set in for me. He's not getting any younger, our house isn't getting any bigger, and I like not being poor. I'm not much of a spiritual person but I feel that I outsmarted fate getting the two we have, two more than we should have had, and I worry I would be messing the natural balance of things too much.

    I also know I a.) cannot handle another IVF cycle with kids because I seriously HATED the ladies that came into the office for monitoring with their kids-don't be greedy! B.) I couldn't handle failure and I fear I would get caught up in continually trying again. If I get caught up I wouldn't be able to provide the life I want for the children we currently have. That's not fair to anyone.

    However, if that miracle happens I'll be glad we went with the minivan!

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    1. Yesssssss. No way could I handle the failure and I know I would get obsessive about it and broke (as a nice side-effect) :)

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  4. Firstly, gorgeous photos on your little ones.
    On the question, I am not done...although my body is. I loved the birth of our daughter, and would love to experience it again. However, the only way I can be pregnant is through IVF, and IVF is blimin expensive. Also the idea of throwing money at IVF when we could put that money towards Jadas education is scary. We have decided on the adoption route...but that has be a worst emotional roller coaster than my IVF...so now I wait and see where I go.

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    1. Thanks! I love this set of pics too - I took about 50 on the day :)

      Yes, IVF is super expensive. 4.5 years ago it cost us R80 000 for the 2 IVFs with ICSI, I can't imagine what it is now. And it's a roller coaster.

      I'm praying for your adoption!

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  5. I only see myself with one, I have only ever seen myself with one, although, for some reason I always thought she would come via adoption. I am not sure why, but I even told my mom when I was about 10 that I would adopt a 2 year old that required a home. Who knows why, maybe because the baby stage scared the living daylights out of me and I though if I adopted a 2 year old it would be easier. That was obviously before I had a 2 year old.

    I have no intention of having another child. Not because I had any problems, or she has special needs or requirements or because she was a difficult baby, I had none of that, but just because I don't see myself having another. Initially Mr OL did want another baby (2 more) but he has also agreed that 1 is enough.

    That being said, I do sometimes feel that there will be another child in my future, maybe a foster child or something. I am not sure - maybe it is because for so long I thought I would adopt a child. It is not something we are planning though.

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    1. I also always said hand them to me at 2 :)

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  6. The second last pic is my favourite of these. So cute!

    I don't know if I'm done. I do know I wouldn't want to have another one on my own again, so maybe if a dad-person entered the picture on a permanent basis I would definitely consider it. If it doesn't happen I'm okay with that too...I actually can't imagine loving another child as much as I already love Nicola. ;-)

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    1. they look surprisingly sweet :)

      Oh man, I know! I don't know how you do it without a dad-person. I would love that for you... plus another little because you're a SUPER mom.

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  7. Oh the last one is beautiful. But all are great - I just lvoe the last one.

    We are definetely done, but mostly because we got a "freebie" with twins for our envisaged second child. If we had two, I might have wondered.

    One of the Princess' friends is part of a B/G IVF set and they have a younger sister - only 18 months younger than them (that sometimes surprise baby after a succesful IVF) The mom claims that the singleton was not a pacth to the twins - she says that Aimee just grew up by herself.

    On the other hand I can tell you that with 3 there is always a bit of ganging up on one - with us this dynamic changes all the time.

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    1. So it's totally true then with the singleton afterwards?!

      Pros and cons to everything in life, hey>?

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  8. YES YES YES!! I get this! Even though I moan and am petrified of 4 kids - I don't not want them enough to say NO to David. And I think THIS is the reason why!

    D's aunt has 3 kids and over Christmas her house is INSANE - there are loads of kids everywhere all the time. It is amazing. I have been known to moan at a teenager or 2 about being loud but the thing is I want that. I want the noise and the laughter and chaos of a house full of big kids.

    I think of Christmases with all the siblings and grand babies :)

    And I am really enjoying the older 2 now - I enjoy being the soccer mom watching matches and galas - it is tiring and comes with it's own set of challenges but in many ways it is easier than the baby/toddler years.

    I also hate the first 6 months - I do not cope well at all with it!!!

    So to answer the question - no we aren't done - we have one more planned and then we are done :)

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    1. That's exactly what I meant - exactly!

      I love that you WANT the chaos and craziness :)

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  9. I know I have asked you. We were "fortunate" with our IVF cycle to be blessed with loads of good enough embryos to freeze. Especially when our fresh cycle ended in a chemical pregnancy. So my boy is from a FET cycle. When he was about one and a bit we did what I called a "sneaky cycle". we were then still left with 5 embryos. I battled over those five, and it was one of the hardest decisions I had to make a couple of weeks ago to have them discarded. I get the question often, have been getting it for some time. Sometimes it hurts, and sometimes it just annoys the crap out of me - some people just don't seem to understand that it is OKAY to have just one kid. There used to be a part of me that definitely wanted another, but when we did IVF we decided that the one successful cycle would be it. And you know what, I am happy with my family, and I believe that it is complete now. Another would be nice in some ways I guess, but, like you, I cannot imagine going through some of the stages again! And with some of the things I hope and wish to give him now I could not afford another financially, and even emotionally. So yes, I am done.

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    1. Oh yes, you are fortunate but it must have been so incredibly hard to make that decision.

      I think it's harder to have one because you're guaranteed the questions. At least with the twins, I still get the question but people get it when I say, "DEFINITELY NOT! I would go mad" :)

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  10. First of all, I LOVE the last three photos. They seem to capture K & C perfectly. Those need a frame for sure!

    I am 90% sure we are done having kids. I get caught up in the thoughts sometimes, looking at sweet tiny babies, wondering what it would be like to have a singleton (IF we had a singleton, that is!). Overall, I guess we have kind of had a long-term view of it...and what I envision long-term is our two girls. I just can't fit a third child into that picture most of the time. So yeah, pretty sure this is it for us. And really, 99% of the time, I am totally on board with that!

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    1. Well, Deanna, what are the chances of twins again? HA! as I think of helene :)

      I feel VERY sure of our decision when I see tiny babies no matter how sweet - it's when I see other cute toddlers that I sigh a little bit.

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    2. With identicals, it can be a little higher the second time around...AND with all the identicals in our family, I imagine it could pretty easily happen! : )

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  11. I love your line of thinking on this. So beautifully written!

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  12. I like the middle of the last 3 pics.
    I am so happy with my miracle baby, but to be honest, I would like another one, and will start trying when he is around 1. Will see, it depends when I can give up the breastfeeding, but at 39 this year I am not getting any younger. Twins run in my DH family and part of me wanted that so I could be done. This whole trying to conceive again sucks.

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    1. Don't wish for twins :)

      PS apparently you can fall pregnant while breastfeeding - the two don't have to conflict.

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    2. Very true, my friend got pregnant while breastfeeding (despite everyone telling her otherwise), at the first bday party of her daughter she was almost 5 months pregnant :)

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  13. I had my boys when I was very young and became broody when my oldest son was 9. Then we adopted B and all further plans of having more children went out the window. Today, when I look back I wish I had another child. Four just seem so perfect. We wanted to foster but B felt threatened by younger children in our home so we didn't explore that further. Today I wish I can take every child that are being neglected by their parents home and just love them through their pain...but I know that with out calling that will not be possible.

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    1. Oh Lynette, you are the best. I love love LOVE your heart!

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  14. I don't want anymore kids. I am finished (if it is up to me).

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    1. I love that you're so decided!

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  15. I always wanted 4 kids. I come from a family of 4 kids and I love the noise, laughter, mess and craziness of it all. Now I realise that having kids is expensive and I don't know how my parents had us four on two teachers salaries - but times were different of course! My husband is absolutely against having another baby. He was TOTALLY traumatised by having two small babies so close to each other. So was I but I do still get the warm and fuzzies when I hold a newborn! But it really isn't financially viable for us to have another kid unfortunately!

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    1. I am also traumatised by two small babies :)

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  16. This must be your most popular post so far this year!!! Guess it is easier for some than others to make the decision on babies - you sometimes here people say, I would wait two years then have another or I only want to try in July etc - but we know for some people even if they wait a lifetime it might not happen until they seek help :(

    Favourite picture - tough to choose as always the big hug, your little yogi - seriously I love them all...

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  17. Most popular post of the year is this one

    http://www.the123blog.com/2013/01/35-year-old-twins-no-nap-knackered.html

    but this is Feb's most popular post - and it's not me clicking through - it only registers one click per IP address.

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  18. We both would love to have a sibling for Kade and we'll see what life brings us. We unfortunately don't have the luxury of saying we're done or not done tho considering it took us 7 years and 6 IVF's to have our single child.

    So whilst we might not WANT to be done, we might very well be.

    xxx

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  19. We're done. I never even THOUGHT about how many kids I wanted when I was growing up, or first married, like most people. E was a surprise, and as an only child, I knew I wanted him to have siblings. I didn't intend on having so many siblings though ;)

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  20. ok. so JUST getting to commenting, sorry :) and also sorry to have sparked this if it was painful for you to think about!! the weird thing is that b always thought we would have more. i only wanted one or two. then we had trouble. and i felt like i would be fine with whatever we got. then he had twins. and now? we have frozen embryos. and i just don't know how a) another child/children would fit into our family b) how we could AFFORD another IVF cycle, let alone child c) where we would put another child d) if i could do it with two other kids running around. i'm obviously having a hard time with the embryos. b and i have a conversation, we think we come to a decision, then when it comes time to sign the paperwork to let them go, we can't do it. but we also can't continue to spend thousands of dollars to store them. we've decided that by august (when we are charged with another year of storage) we will have to come to a firm decision and just stick with it.

    we have friends who are trying for their second now....and i'm really hoping that it doesn't influence us at all. i LOVED being pregnant, although my body did not. i enjoyed most of the phases/stages that we've experience (despite my fatigue or sleep deprivation). also...i kind of feel like i could do it so much better this time around!!! :)

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