Wednesday, July 10, 2013


"that's when she said she was pretending"

Do you know the song? ;)

Well, I'm mentally and emotionally drained.

Not from the party but from pretending to be fine and okay at work. Because of course, the work itself is about 20% and the rest is all the other stuff (hygiene factors) that make my life a misery.

Last night, Connor couldn't settle (mind you, that's probably him picking up on stuff with me - he used to do the same when he was a baby) so I went to lay down next to him.

Turns out we both fell asleep at 8 pm. I woke at 12.30 with sinus pain and made 3 handwriting fonts (I've figured out why it wasn't looking right - the spacing was too far apart) and read some of my book before falling asleep again at 1.30 ish til 7.30.

Yes, I was tired but normal tired means I'd wake up, refreshed and alert after about 7 - 7.5 hours.

I literally have to give myself a pep talk in the mornings, and then I get there and feel the knots in my shoulders start up.

I'm  aware I can't be a grump so I'm trying to stay positive and be myself but that's hard work, so when I drive home, I'm exhausted.

The most frustrating thing is that the people I speak to about this all seem to think I need to give it a chance to get more used to the (new to me) work and it'll then be fine. However, I know in my heart of hearts it's not the work, it's everything else - the work is the 20% I'm actually enjoying WHEN they leave me alone to get on with it. There's the lack of freedom and independence, the micromanaging, the time pressure, the one-dimensional way of working, etc. Let's not bore you all senseless.

I had a (mostly) nice chat to my ex-boss today and I cried and cried and cried. It was pitiful. So confused afterwards that I had a splitting headache and after it abated somewhat, D played therapist and just let me talk and cry for about 1 - 1.5 hours (poor D - he deserves a medal).

She said I need to also own my feelings there - true - and push back to make it more like I want it - but as I said, there are about 25 things wrong and 3 I feel mentally able to tackle on any given day. You can't debate every little thing so I save my "passion" for the quality of the work going out and the micromanaging. Although I can feel the one guy almost twitching at not asking me every two minutes what I'm working on. Oy!

Came to the same conclusion - at the end of the day, I have to be happy and at the moment I really am not (and that's being very understated).

D said I'm going to be a shell of myself if I have to stick it out much longer than about 2 - 3 months. Exactly.

Have booked coaching session for 23 July to get clear on next steps and if I haven't been shortlisted for that other job, I'm going to have to have hard conversations with the manager. The good thing is I can actually speak to him.

I should put up some happy pics tomorrow :)

Seriously though, I said to D I don't know how other people do it - act like they're okay when they're not. It's manifesting in headaches, knots in my back, etc. and of course, the endless crying!

How low is your tolerance for nonsense?

As you can see, I'm about a 2 on the scale!

PS please don't stop praying for me!


  1. Praying for you always my friend

  2. I don't have a high tolerance for nonsense at all...and I'm also not known for keeping my mouth shut at all.

    I hope and pray this sitaution gets resolved quickly for you.

  3. Remember that you are in control of your feelings, trust me I know how difficult it is, but keep on searching for another position.

    Sometimes there are just some people in life we cannot "glue" with and that seems to be the case here, we need to understand that it is okay, we don't always need to be glued with everyone.

    Will keep on praying for you and this situation, hang in there, God has a plan for you and remember there's a reason for this season, you might not realize it and it might not be clear to you now, but there is someone there you are helping with your presence and just being you.

    Thinking of you and praying for you xx

  4. I have a very high tolerance for nonsense...I can take alot. But when I do crack, I crack properly. Last time I cracked, I walked out of my job with no job in sight. But I found an awesome position that makes me feel good. Hang in there... every path we take is a lesson in life....every journey we make it a road to our future.

  5. I think I have a zero tolerance! I cry, get miserable, eat, lash out - it is not pretty at all. My family have all said that I am the happiest I have been in years and they attribute it to meeting David - and yes that IS a part of the reason but I think a big part is also getting out of the environment I was in at work. Even though it is tough financially - we are no longer fighting against that negativity which makes it easier to deal with.

  6. Oh and I am not of the "stick it out" opinion - I am of the get out as soon as you possibly can even if it means taking a risk that scares you :)

  7. Lea White8:47 am

    Hi Marcia.

    I want to say that I really really feel for you. Just recently I was in a job and my boss was the biggest bully you could ever imagine. It was so obvious she worked her butt off to get rid of me and not only that but she did whatever she could to make me look bad to management (all because she couldn't fault my work). I complained to HR along with probably 3 or 4 others. They did nothing. I ended up walking out of that job and got a temp job and finally it all just fell into place and I am now in an amazing new job where I feel valued and part of it and have so much opportunity to shine. What a huge difference. God always look out for us even when it feels that there are no answers. Your perfect job is out there. You should be happy with what you are doing!

  8. I feel so sorry for you. That you are so unhappy in the job you are in now. One's job take such a big chunk out of the day, that if you aren't happy there, you're overall unhappy :( I pray that you find a solution to this unhappiness.

  9. Ai MArcia, you sound so terribly unhappy. I do hope and pray you will find the right answers.

  10. You may know I say it usually takes a good 3-4 months to feel "comfortable" in a new position...and up to 6 months if that new position is at a new company altogether.

    I'm guessing you're hearing a lot of that from work folks.

    Be true to yourself, though. I know you are giving this new position your all, and you can see, fundamentally, that the differences in your strengths and the structure of the team are big ones.

    Please continue to follow your heart.

    I'm sorry it's such a tough, tough road. And I know this is 1000 times easier said than done, but try to keep perspective. Don't lose yourself in this. Don't doubt your passion, your spirit, and your talents.

    You will make it through this time. You'll learn from it. And ultimately you'll be a better teammate, a better professional

  11. [sorry! I keep getting locked up in the middle of comments on your blog, for some reason! ugh.]

    ...a stronger teammate, a stronger professional, because of it.

    Sending you continued love and hugs, Marcia!!! Lifting you up from across the oceans!!!

  12. (Oh, and yes, I know the song. I do love me some Clapton!!!)

  13. AH my friend. I’m so sorry. You need to trust yourself. I have been there and I KNOW what you are talking about. Environmental factors make a HUGE difference to your well-being and it doesn't matter how awesome and challenging the work is. IT doesn't matter how pretty the office is. It doesn’t matter how many gorgeous lunches they sponsor. NOTHING matters. My experience in my last job was exactly what you describe your current one to be. The work was fine. EVERYTHING else was awful. I cried every single day. I couldn’t cope on a Sunday knowing that I was going to have to step into an emotionally abusive situation the next day. The stress of trying to remain “OK” manifested in my body. For the first time in my life I used ALL my sick leave in one year. I used to call in sick even if I wasn’t sick! Headaches and knots and complete loss of appetite. I think I lost about 15 kilos that year. Not because I was dieting but because I just could not eat. It affected my personal life. Obviously.
    I stayed for an entire year before I decided that it was enough and in that year I lost all confidence in myself and yes, I became a shadow of who I used to be. It STILL affects me to this day. I am afraid to take chances. I am unsure of myself all the time. I don’t allow people in my workplace to get close to me. I’ve come a long way but I am not where I should be. I would say my tolerance levels are extremely high – maybe a 9, which is not a good thing. Because when I eventually lose my nuts, then it happens good and proper and I go into depression.
    The problem is that I am always prepared to see the best in people and I always believe that things will get better and that people can change. Sometimes I want to see LIFE into a dead situation. Unfortunately life is not like that. I would not choose unhappiness now, even if I was paid to do so. When I resigned that job I got offered a HUGE increase. Plus opportunities to study further. Plus my own office. Plus a fuel allowance. I was not interested. Because I KNEW that I would still be unhappy. In any event, why did they wait until I quit that job before presenting me with those things? I left that job without having ANY plan but I KNEW that God would come through for me. I had absolutely no doubt that it would work out.
    SO yes. Do whatever you need to do to get out of there. I think a coaching session is a good start. Can I ask why you are hesitant to leave your company? Do you understand that there may be an even better opportunity out there? Something to think about?

  14. Heavens! I did not realise that I was writing an essay. Sorry!

  15. I really hope your situation changes. I have also had bad work experiences. So glad to be a stay at home mom right now!

  16. This sounds awful. If your job makes you cry and literally is making you ill, you definitely need a change, not just daily pep talks. Wishing you luck and strength to find a better situation!!!

  17. YIKES. You poor thing. Just reading that is giving me horrible flashbacks to a time when I worked in a job that saw me crying almost every day as I walked to catch my bus... it was AWFUL. And I had no way out (small twn, no option to move, blah blah blah) and I HAD to stick it out which was awful. Every day I would fantasise about quitting. I say you should live that dream! If you hate it, you hate it.

    Also - my micromanager was PREGNANT as well.... right at the time I was feeling worst about fertility stuff. It SUCKED. So I fully empathise on being miserable at work. Get yourself outta there, girly!

  18. Aww Marcia. Is there no possibility to go back to your previous position? I would never cope with that amount of stress.

  19. Stick to your word of the year and trust yourself. If this isn't right for you, don't stick it out and stay miserable just because it's said it takes that long. You know yourself. (((hugs)))


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