Friday, August 30, 2013

{Friendship Friday} I'm in a weird friend space

Let me tell you - it's windy tonight. The wind is blowing in the cold front, I think.

It's been 24 - 26 degrees the entire week and tomorrow when we have our work's family day at the zoo, the temperatures are going to be at most 12.


They even sent out a mail to remind us to please dress warmly - us and our kiddos.

Success for me tomorrow will be connecting with a few colleagues, taking a few lovely photos of my kids (and at least one cool Instagram) and no meltdowns from me or the kids.

It's key to keep one's expectations low. None of this "fantasy family" business :)

The last time I took some beautiful photos at the zoo.... the babies were 2 years 9 months. Weren't they adorable?

Anyway, I'm in a weird friend space.

There are all these extremes going on:
  1. I'm really happy that some friendships are doing well
  2. I've had amazing support from all of you who comment and email me about the job - so grateful
  3. I'm reaching out to some new people too (having tea with one tomorrow :) and lunch with another sometime in Sept)
  4. some people are reaching out to me - it's like I almost don't have enough time to see everyone so feels like I'm blowing them off (there are three invites in my inbox right now that have been there for weeks)
  5. some are moving away or want to move away :( and I'm trying to guard my heart
  6. some are probably blowing me off

Let's talk about two friends in the last category.


Friend 1
These are/ were GOOD friends. An incident happened when they were at my house last year - their car was broken into. I was devastated, of course, and he was understandably very cross at the time but the car was insured so the incident was covered. He has a bit of a short fuse which is why we checked if things were ok later, and they said they were.

So we've invited them around and suggested going out about 4 times over the last year and every time they couldn't make it.

The last time I was a bit sneaky because up to then they always said they were "fine" so this time I said, "I know that K doesn't want to come to our place (as if it had been said!) so should we go to such and such place" and she said without missing a beat, "that sounds good. I'll come back to you". Of course I'm still waiting. But ha! there IS that still niggling. So I'm thinking it's him.

So really, what would you do? We have been friends for 12 years. This is not something to break a friendship. I have even thought of offering now (a year later) to pay the excess but it feels wrong to me like buying friendship... I don't know, just wrong.

And honestly, we have not had an incident at this house or in the street with friends' cars for the 7 years we'd lived here. Nothing in the last year since then either. So I don't feel we've been negligent in any way.

When D had a few people over for his birthday the other day, he hired an ADT guard for R700 to watch over the two cars outside (I think madness... but he wanted to have that peace of mind).

Have you had something like this happen? Outside of your control but obviously being blamed for it?

What do you think I should do?

Friend 2
This will have to wait - I didn't realise this post was getting so long and I have laundry to fold!


  1. lesley12:45 am

    Marcia, if i were you i would do nothing! You have done nothing wrong. What happened was unfortunate but you were not responsible. What i have discovered is there are some people in this world who care more about things then they do about relationships, i think these people may fall into this category. Just let them go.

  2. Folding laundry at this house! HA!
    Friends are such hard work. If you have to put in so much effort, and it's bringing you soo much stress, I'd think it best to let it go. Especially have you have 3 invites waiting for you. ;) Their loss!

    Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

  3. Sorry honey. I know how much that must suck. Especially because it's probably because of something that happened that was beyond your control. You are not afraid to ask the tough question. So. Ask them. Come right out and ask them what is really going on. The answers may surprise you and if anything, it will bring this issue out in the open and you all can decide if this is worth pursuing and further or (God forbid) moving on. I hope that you can hold onto the friendship. I can tell that it means a lot to you.
    ps...don't even think about paying excess. That's just wrong on sooooo many levels. They either want to be your friends or they don't. Am also in some weird spaces with friendship at the moment. I blogged about it a few weeks ago. Weird spaces are a normal part of any relationship and I do believe that this will pass. ((hugs))Xx

  4. Hmmm, if you think it is just him, try inviting her for a girly outing and see what happens. If my car were broken into at a friend's house, it wouldn't occur to me to blame them. Do not pay the excess! Of course, it could be something else entirely. Maybe a health or relationship problem with them, maybe nothing at all do with you. I've had to let go of some friends because it was just too depressing to have my every invite ignored. Ouch.

  5. I think you should offer to pay anyway, just in case it helps, they might say no, but at least you put it out there.
    I had a friend whose gate went straight into our car. We had to shell out for that and they never paid and they can afford it. But I didn't allow it to affect our friendship and we are still good friends.
    Having said all that maybe yours is a different situation, maybe being broken into is different, but nevertheless maybe it has affected things somehow..?

  6. Ok so I'm late to this party but I would most definitely NOT offer to pay the excess. A break in is out of your control - you did not arrange for thieves to break into their car for goodness sakes... it could have happened ANYWHERE! If it was me I would call a spade a spade and just ask them outright if this is the case... a good clearing of the air never hurt anyone ;)


  7. I am generally for a good air-clearing, too...IF you can get them face to face. If they're not responding, though...after your repeated attempts...I think I'd just give it more time and space...maybe revisit in a few months?

    I can imagine being a little apprehensive to go back to someone's house if my car had been broken into there, but that would not stop me from getting together with them in a different location. And -- assuming it was a random occurrence, as it obviously seems to be -- I'd eventually work up the courage to go back there, too.

    The break-in was not your fault, and I wouldn't offer to pay the excess. That could have happened anywhere.

    Hugs, Marcia!

  8. Mmm...well, I suppose I am in a unique situation in that my car was also broken into that day? ;-)

    I will admit that I would feel a bit skittish parking on your street again, but I mean it really could have happened anywhere, and I certainly don't blame you for it at all. I would park in your street again...but this time I'd definitely take my house keys and GPS out of the glove compartment.

    If your friend isn't comfortable meeting you there, and you've suggested seeing her somewhere else and she's still not keen - then perhaps the brake in isn't the real issue at all?

  9. My friend, you have done nothing wrong. Having their car broken into is really not your fault - its part of life here. Do not offer to pay for goodness sake! And then, why does she not come back to you about meeting elsewhere. I of course is always the optimist - is there not something else going on not to do with you at all? Like trouble between the two of them? Or general business?

  10. I would let it go. Maybe the friendship was one sided as something silly like that shouldn't break a relationship. I also don't believe you had any control over the situation. It could have happened anywhere.


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