Yesterday and today was our MBTI workshop.
It was mostly good but also really difficult being the only extrovert in a roomful of introverts besides the manager.
You see, I've been battling a bit with how nobody talks AT ALL.
But it was kind-of validated that I bring a good balance to the team with my different-ness.
I'm not sure about that yet because it almost feels like they don't really want to be a part of the greater company and I am very firmly of the opposite mindset. You all know how proud I am to work at my secret company.
After the day's work, we went out for supper. Food was good but I'm not a fan of this communal dish business, I like my own plate and don't like to feel like I have to keep paying attention to the food otherwise it's all gone.
I chatted very nicely to two team members and then another two. However, I realised I'm getting old because the noise was too much yet... it didn't seem to be bothering anyone else!
Today was a different matter.
When trying to contribute to the conversation at one point, I was told by a team member to keep quiet because he'd directed the question to another person. Valid, but I felt chastised like a child and worse... no one said anything like, "that's a bit rude" or something.
Later in the morning I tried to say something again and was interrupted. That wasn't a problem but usually afterward, someone will say, "oh Marcia had something she wanted to say..." and nobody did.
I guess what I'm saying is I didn't feel heard.
In the afternoon we had to do an exercise on Johari's Window and share in pairs how we perceive that person. The first one was fine, more or less what I expected except she said I was too loud (!) but this is from an extreme extrovert so there's that, the second one had only nice things to say (lovely guy), and then while we were finishing, I heard the first person from this morning saying to the facilitator, "I'll go with Marcia next" which made me tense up a bit and turns out, with good reason.
My feedback was all positive and I said that I appreciated his email the other day but he may want to just watch his words because I didn't know how to take it. Like this - you did some good work today because you didn't make too many mistakes. Now how would you take that? It's sort of a backhanded compliment, isn't it?
Well, he then gave me lots more feedback exactly like that and I found myself blinking away tears and grabbing my water just to not cry. I was devastated. Some valid points in there but the way it was delivered crushed me. And apparently I have no sense of urgency. I said, "I have honestly never been accused of that....ever" and it was said like that's a problem.
Last person was just lovely and unexpected. I thought she'd be tougher but she was nothing but complimentary - never seen a person more comfortable in their skin, so good at the people thing in secret company, etc.
And honestly, I needed that.
Then there was a wrap-up and I hoofed it out of there where normally I chit-chat a bit.
Of course I did my usual thing which is to cry in the car while driving home. Right this minute I'm sitting here with eyes very swollen from all that crying.
Why did this upset me so?
I need to be heard
I feel like they think I'm useless
I feel like they're chatting all behind my back
Nobody stood up for me
Thanks for listening - I needed to get that out.
How was your week?
PS I have two books to finish tonight to reach my reading goal. Let's see how that goes.