Friday, November 06, 2015

{Friendship Friday} I've figured out a few things/ the 3 tiers of friendship

I have a friend spreadsheet which I've spoken about before. I track total meet-ups and just to satisfy myself, 1:1 socials too, because these are the most satisfying for me, hands down.

I classify a 1:1 social as me with a friend, or our family with one other.

Even one 1:1 social feels better than 2 - 3 socials with lots of people.

When I was doing my goals review for last month, I saw that I'd had 9 (yes NINE) socials in October.

That's too much and I could have skipped one or two.

However, October didn't feel as bad as August did. Both August and October had 10 socials but in August I only saw 1 friend 1:1 while in October I had 5 1:1 dates.

Isn't that fascinating? (even if just as a social experiment!)

I mentioned last time that it's really easy to tack a plan onto the end of a work day, or to the end of a meeting/ seminar/ conference if you're near where a friend lives or works.

It doesn't feel like a big schlep to get back in your car and go somewhere, because you're in your car anyway.

Has anyone tried it since last time I wrote?

I always get the best pics of Laura :)

Then I must tell you about this article.

Please go read about the 3 tiers of friendships..... I'll wait. It's really worth it.

To summarise...
  • tier 1 friendship - those made in school/ university
  • tier 2 friendship - pretty good friends
  • tier 3 friendship - not really friends (social media friends!)

On point 3, a few of us met up with Shayne a few months ago and she said something that has stuck with me since.

"I know who my real friends are, and who my social media friends are, and I don't mix the two" (brilliant!).

We were talking about how, these days, it's so easy to think that social media friendship is real. It can be real but it can't only be a social media relationship for it to be real.

I'm quite taken with this 3-tier idea, of course, because I am someone who loves to categorise things.

And here's the thing - I don't have tier 1 friends. I've spoken before about how I changed when I became infertile. As one commenter said, infertility awoke a need for connection in me.

I have a fair number of tier 2 friends now (that's a good thing because when I wrote that post 5 years ago I had almost none) and I'd like to think many of them are more than just "pretty good friends" but is that me being optimistic? Sometimes I think yes. But sometimes what we think is the situation is not actually the situation as I've found out quite a few times over the last 5 years. I tell myself that boundaries have to be respected.... but it still hurts.

I do know I've had too much hurt, etc. with the friendship thing and I have even said to D, "I'm over this - I'm going back to the good old days when it was just you and me against the world". He laughed! That's my way of protecting my heart, I know. 

This time around when I pray for friends (last time a few people wrote about how we lack nearby friends) - I've started making my list - I'm putting items on there called "people who are as into me as I am into them" and "willing to be vulnerable and connect" :)

So tell me about your thoughts on the different tiers... and what would be on your friendship list (even if you're not a praying sort)? 

isn't Cat's hair gorgeous?


  1. Social media friends are my friends in my computer. Some of them move to friends in my phone, and from that it can become more. Mostly, friendships has been a big thing to ponder for me. That article is a great list. Much to ponder, and mostly I need to learn how to let go.

    1. Cassey, I love your expression "friends in my phone". Letting go is one of the hardest things in the world for me!

  2. I get so jealous when you guys meet up...and I want to say..."beam me up Scotty" so that I can be there too.

  3. Shame how is my skew little pinkie finger! I do love that second photo of me :)

    mmmmm I have no tier 1 friends - well I do but they are more FB friends who I never see/interact with.

    My good friends all started out as internet friends - in fact Ansie and I met online and so did D and I! I am a bit of a poster child for how social media can positively impact relationships.

    1. Thank you! I do get nice pics of you because you just carry on and do your thing, and don't freak when you see a camera out!

      You are the poster child - write a post!!!

  4. When I left Durban and moved to Pretoria, I was very unhappy for years, because there were no family and friends near. I tried, and eventually gave up the friendship thing. I have one university friend, and she now lives down the road from me so that is great. Between three kids, we do not meet as often as we like, but it is the kind of friendship that does not need constant meet ups. Her husband is also a university friend.
    I have one or two school gate Moms (who I will lose as we are moving to a new school).
    I have no tier two friends, and it is too hard to take rejection so I do not try anymore.
    making friends as an adult is hard!

    1. I so get that! It is very hard to take rejection, even as adults but even though I've gone through my fair share of disappointments, I would still take the chance...

  5. I love this post and do you know what I love more than anything? That we actually talked in real life about this the other day. It was just such a highlight for me to see you again. And I do need to make more time to see friends but honestly life is hectic at best.

    I am going to work more on friendship next year!

  6. Hmmmmmm!!

    I have a lot (a very lot) of tier 1 friends. I went to three different schools between university, law school and masters and my class with the least number of people was 200 and let's just say I make friends with so many and most of them have stayed friends in the computer (Facebook etc) and friends in the phone Cassey describes it (love it)

    5 years ago I was in the same place as you, joys of moving as an adult and I prayed to God to change the situation and I did and now I can gladly say I do have a good circle of friends that have gone from friends in the computer to friends in the phone (can you tell how much how I like that expression)

    With Social media it is so easy to blur the lines between real friendship and Tier 3 friends. But I know my boundaries


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